Jokes about Police Officers
A man is speeding down the freeway when he's stopped by a police car and has to pull over. "Do you realize you were doing 80 m. P. H. in a 60 m. P. H. zone, sir?" asks the policeman.
"That's impossible, sir, I never break the speed limit," replies the driver. The driver's wife butts in and says,
"Yes, you do, I'm always telling you to keep your speed down."
The policeman says,
"I also noticed, sir, that you didn't have your seatbelt on. You put it on as I was walking over to your car."
"That is not true, sir; I always wear my seatbelt," replies the driver.
"No, you don't, I'm always telling you to put your seatbelt on," says the driver's wife.
"Sтuрid woman," the driver explodes, "can't you, just for once, keep that big, fат trap of yours shut?"
The policeman is a bit shocked by how the driver is speaking to his wife, so he moves around to her side of the car. "Does he often speak to you like this, madam?"
"Oh, no, officer," she says,
"Only when he's drunк."
Several days ago as I left a meeting I desperately gave myself a personal search. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park.
My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I scanned the car park I came to a terrifying conclusion! His theory was right. The car park was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all.
“Hello My Love”, I stammered; I always call him “My Love” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had disconnected, but then I heard his voice. He barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
He retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your frickin’ car.”
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She was going 65 on a street where the speed limit was 40.
A cop pulled her over and said “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She said, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunк driving.”
His brow furrowed and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She said, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for back-up.” He muttered furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asked sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiled demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squinted warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the trunk of the car and flinched: but it was completely empty…
The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”