Jokes about Police Officers

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A nudе guy was sunbathing at the beach, a little girl comes to him, he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl asks, "hats under there?"
So the man answers , "A bird..."
The girl goes away & the man falls asleep. When he wakes up, he finds himself in a hospital & in alot of pain.
A doctor comes up to his bed & asks, 'What happened?'
The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach & fell asleep after talking to a little girl."
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they got there, they see the little girl the man was talking about.
So they ask her if she did anything to the man...?
She answers, "I din't do anything to the man, but he was sleeping, I played with his bird, After a while, it spat at me, so i broke its neck, burnt its nest, and smashed all its eggs!"

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Drunк guy gets pulled over.
Officer starts doing sobriety tests on him.
The final test the officer says "if you can pass this last test I will let u go... use the words green pink and yellow in 1 sentence."
So the drunк man replies "My phone went green and I pinked it up and said yellow. Have a nice day officer!"

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There were a few ducks in the park blowing bubbles, and a police officer gave them a ticket. They went to court and the first duck went in to see the judge. The judge asks, "What is ur name and why are you here?" The duck said, "My name is quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in a park." The judge said, "That's not a сriме, ur free to leave. please send the next duck in." So the next duck comes in and the judge asks, "What is ur name and why are you here?" The duck says "My name is quack quack quack and I'm here for blowing bubbles in the park." The judge replied, "That's not a сriме ur free to go. Please send the next duck in." So the third duck comes in and the judge says, "Let me guess ur name is quack quack quack and ur here for blowing bubbles I'm the park?" The duck says "No, my name is bubbles."

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A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink. "Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink." The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman. "Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

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You Know You Are Out of College When:

- Your potted plants stay alive.
- Sleeping in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
- You have to pay your own credit card bill.

- Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
- "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
- "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

- Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
- You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
- You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

- You go to parties that police don't raid.
- You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
- Your car insurance goes down.

- You refer to college students as kids.
- You feed your dog science diet instead of taco веll.
- Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

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Sleep is my drug….my bed is my dealer and my alarm clock is the police.

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BREAKING NEWS :
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Police are actively seeking to speak to anyone who has seen Kim Kardashian’s Ring..???
Well, besides Me, all of China, the USA, Asia and Europe, basically most of the people on the Planet then, have seen it at least once..

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It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you sтuрid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have рот in the glove compartment?

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So the Judge asks the Policeman........
So officer what do you think about the man that was shot using a starting pistol ?
The Policeman said "I think it was Race related your honour"

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Q. What do women and police cars have in common?
A. They both make a lot of noise to let you know theyre coming.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky Fried Chicken?
A. After you’ve finished with the thigh and вrеаsтs, all you have left is a greasy box to put your воnе in.
Q. Why do bunnies have soft sеx?
A. They have cotton balls
Q. What does do women and milk cartons have in common?
A. You gotta open the flарs to get to the good stuff.
Q. What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common?
A. They can smell it but they cant eat it!!

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Three college professors were driving down the highway at a very slow speed. A policeman pulled them over and explained that driving so slowly on the highway could be hazardous. The driver pointed out the sign that read "20." He explained that he was going 20 mph because of the sign. The policeman pointed out that the sign indicated they were driving on Highway 20.
Somewhat embarrassed the professor apologized and promised to be more observant.
As the policeman turn to walk back to his car, he noticed the other two professors on the floor ...looking scared to death! He asked the driver, "What's wrong with them?"
The driver replied, "We just turned off Highway 105."

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Interpol was looking for an escaped convict in Denmark, and sent pictures of the man to the Danish police. The pictures were taken from both sides and the front. …
…
After a few days the Danish police replied: “We caught the guys on the left and the right but the one in the middle is still at large.”

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Police are warning people to be on the lookout for suicide bombers over Christmas who are set to launch a wave of terror with a new ‘Alphabet Bomb’.
If one of those fcukers goes off, it could spell disaster.

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To keep her warm, a motorcyclist puts his leather jacket on his girlfriend backwards, so that the collar would cover her face. After they hit a patch of ice, there was a tragic accident. First on the scene was a farmer and his son. Soon a policeman arrives and questions the farmer.

"Well, sir, the poor guy down there in the ditch was apparently killed outright. The girl was in pretty good shape till Junior turned her head around."

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“What is your occupation?” asked the judge.
“I’m a locksmith, your honor.”
“And what were you doing in the jeweler’s shop at three in the morning when the police officers entered?’
“ I was making a bolt for the door!”

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A mob drags a man into a police station for running over 13 people, while shouting “Murderer!"
"Killer!”….
….
The policeman disperses the crowd and begins to interrogate the suspect. …
The policeman :” Tell me what happened. ”
The suspect :” Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to crash the car into a group of 12 people or to swerve into a single person. Am I a monster for deciding to swerve into the single person? ”
Policeman :” No, that sounds like a difficult yet reasonable decision. But tell me how did you end up killing 13 people?”
Suspect :” Well that coward ran towards the other 12.”

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I’m feeling a bit down. I have been for a while now. I have no family and very few, if any friends and admittedly have never been good at relationships (no one has ever stayed in my life long enough I suppose to show me how. ) So, as an adult, I feel like I fail at friendship. I can’t make or seem to keep a friend and especially more than one. No one ever thinks to invite me to go anywhere or do anything. I had no parents growing up, I was abused, both physically and verbally the majority of my life. At this point I have begged, yes begged people to be in my life. I feel like I’m the problem. I’m so lonely for friends that I’ve threatened to move and start over but realistically that’s impossible. I know you have to be a friend to have a friend but no one (locally) seems to want to fill that void. I’m tired of begging and I’ve felt like the plague for the last few years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so unhappy about my situation that I could and have cried. I can’t have children so I can’t have my very own family. I feel like my entire life is missing because I lack many of life’s greatest blessings. What do you suggest? Signed, feeling blue……………. answer I think you should join the Police

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The judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement from one which he had previously made to the police. “For example,” he said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was sure I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left in on my nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the judge returned home, his wife asked him, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to get it a bit extreme?” “What?” said the judge, “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people; what did you do?”
“I gave it to the first one,” said the wife. “He knew exactly where it was.”

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