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Jokes about Police Officers

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A turtle that was crossing the street was mugged one day. The policemen came to help and asked him what happened. He replied, "I am not sure, it happened too fast."
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A blonde a brunette and a red head are getting chased by the police and they hide in the farm. The brunette hides behind a sheep. The red head hides behind a соw . The blond hides behind a sack of potatoes. The cop comes in to where the brunette is ,"is anyone in here?". She says bahhh ."he then goes in where the red head and says"is anyone in here?,"moo". The cop goes into where the blond is and says "is any one in here?" The blonde says "potatoes"
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A blonde woman is driving her car down the highway going way, way too fast. She passes a patrol car and is immediately pulled over. The police officer, who is also a blonde woman, comes over to the window and asks for her license. Dumbfounded, the blonde driver frantically tears through her pocketbook but can't seem to find it. She asks the officer, "Well what does a license look like?". The officer says,
"It's a small card with you picture on it." So she starts looking again and pulls out a small mirror. "Aha! I found it!" she says, and hands it to the officer. The officer looks at it, hands it back and says "Your free to go." The driver asks why and the officer responds, "I didn't know you were a cop."
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A man is sun-bathing nudе at the beach; a little girl comes up to him so he covers his реnis with a newspaper. The little girl asks, 'Whats under there?' The man says, 'A bird.' The girl walks away and the man falls asleep. He wakes up later in a hospital and is in great pain. A doctor and a policeman are at his bed, the doctor asks him, 'Do you remember what happened?' The man replies, 'I don't know; I was at the beach and fell asleep after talking to a little girl. The policeman says I asked her what happened and she said , 'I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was asleep, I played with his bird. It spit at me! So I broke it's neck, burned its nest, and smashed the two little eggs!
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I'm so excited this girl said I was the one. I'm sure the other guys in the police lineup are jealous.
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A blonde police officer stops a blonde driver,
Officer: Can i see your drivers license?
Driver: yeah i think i have one of those, what does it look like?
Officer: It's rectangle is shape and has your face on it.
Driver: Oh, okay, *pulls out mirror*, here you go.
Officer: *looks at reflection*, I'm sorry ma'am, i didn't know you were an officer of the law, you may carry on.
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Rick Ross: I had to hustle to get to the top. You know, carry those bricks.
Police Officer: Oh, hey William. I havent seen you since the police academy.
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If you're sober, it's a police car... but if you're drunк it's a taxi.
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A mysterious hole in the road appeared over night. No one knows how it got there.
Police are looking into it.
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A kid went to the police department to report about his stolen bicycle.
OFFICER: Are you suspicious about anyone who would steal it?
KID: My parents, I guess. Because in the night I heard dad saying:
"Нuмр on it before Derek wakes up!"
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Why did the sad guitarist get arrested?
Because when a police officer asked him why he was sad, he said," I broke my g string while fingеring a minor."
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A blonde and red head are walking in the woods when then red head has a heart attack and falls to the ground. Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone and calls the police and she shouts, "I think my friend is dead what do I do?". The policeman on the phone says,
"Calm down and listen to me. First make sure that he really is dead." There is a silence. Then a loud gunshot. The blonde gets back on the phone and says,
"Okay, now what?"
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A blonde cop stops a blonde motorist and asks for her driver’s license.
The motorist digs around in her purse but can’t find it. She says to the cop, “I must have left it at home, officer.”
The cop says, “Well, do you have any kind of identification?”
The motorist searches her purse again and finds a pocket mirror. She looks at it and says to the cop, “All I have is this picture of myself.”
The cop says, “Let me see.” So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, “O Fсuк!!!, if I’d known you were a police officer, I wouldn’t have pulled you over.”
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One day a man was driving down the road in his truck. His wife was sitting next to him and he had his arm around her shoulders. A police officer pulled him over because the man did not have both hands on the steering wheel. He received a ticket for unsafe driving but the man felt it was unjust. Hence, he appeared in court to try and fight the ticket. When the Judge asked him why he was not using both hands, the man replied, "Well, your Honor, I needed one hand to drive with." After the Judge composed himself, he dismissed the ticket.
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A turtle was walking through the park when two snails attacked, punched, kicked, and stole his wallet. The police arrived and asked, “What happen to you, were you attacked, were you robbed?” The turtle on his back, bruised, with one eye shut, said "I don't know officer, it happen so Fast"
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As a nightclub owner, I hired a pianist and a drummer to entertain my customers. After several performances, I discovered the drummer had walked away with some of my valuables. I notified the police, who arrested him.
Desperate for another drummer, I called a friend who knew some musicians. "What happened to the drummer you had"? he asked me.
"I had him arrested," I replied.
My friend paused for a second and asked,
"How badly did he play"?
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A guy goes to the post office to report that his wife is lost. The Postmaster advises him to report it the police.
The man says," Last time she was lost I reported it to the Police and they brought her back promptly. I'm not taking any chances this time!"
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A man had been in a meeting that lasted all afternoon and as he walked out, he was tired and just wanted to go home. He reached into his coat pocket and realized his car keys were missing. He looked around but could not find his keys. He went outside to look in the car and discovered his car was gone too.
His car had been stolen. So he called the police, they came and took a report, and then the man called his wife to see if she would be able to come pick him up. She answered the phone and he told her the upsetting news. "Honey, you’re not going to believe this but my car was stolen while I was in the meeting."
There was a long pause, "I dropped you off at your meeting today. I have the car!" she said.
"Oh, that's right! I can't believe I forgot that. I'm glad the car is okay. Well, will you still come back and pick me up?"
She said,
"Yes, of course I will. As soon as I convince this cop the car is not stolen."
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