Jokes about Police Officers

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A cop pulls a guy over for speeding. The guy tries to defend himself by saying, "I was just going with the flow of traffic."
The Cop replies,
"Ever go fishing?"
"Yeah."
"Ever catch ALL the fish?"

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*man gets run over by a red lorry, then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry*
*policeman informs family*
“There’s no easy way to say this”…

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2 bedbugs were having a discussion. "I just graduated from bedbug private investigator classes. I'm going to start performing clandestine and secret investigations."
"I figured you'd want to be an 'in your face, take no prisoners, out there' kind of police bug?"
"Not really. I do my best work under cover!"

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Did you hear about the wheat farmer who got arrested by the police? Apparently he was a CEREAL killer.

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I described my wife as a miserable сunт that needs to stop eating so much.
But the police have said that doesn’t really help with their missing persons report.

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This guy who is down and out on his luck finally gets a job at a funeral parlor, The boss tells him he will receive huge incentives if he digs out and bring back all the expensive coffins after every burial they conduct, He does very well at this until he's stopped one evening at a roadblock with a coffin full of mud. The officer asks him where is he going with this coffin and calls for backup.
The guy responds calmly, "Officer, I don't like the place they buried me, so I'm moving elsewhere."

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What does "Marine" stand for?
My Аss Rides In Navy Equipment.

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Police: George Michael, you're under arrest for illegal оrgаn harvesting. Last Christmas, someone gave their heart!

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Why do police officers wear blue?
Because the black uniforms led to too much friendly fire.

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A speeding driver was pulled over by a policeman. He asked,
"Why was I pulled over when I wasn't the only one speeding." The police replied, "Have you ever been fishing?" The man then said,
"Yes". "Have you ever caught all the fish?" asked the policeman

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A traffic cop pulled over a speeding motorist and asked,
"Do you have any ID?"
The motorist replied, "About what?"

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What has an American police officer and Ronnie O’Sullivan got in common?
Average shot time is only sixteen seconds. Less on the black.

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A rарisт, a gangster and a murderer are in the same car...
Who is driving the car?
A police officer!

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Police Officer George with his duty partner woman Police Officer Mary along with their police dog had been assigned to walk a beat.
They had been out only a short time when Mary said :
“Dамn, I was running late this morning I forgot to put on my раnтiеs! It is so uncomfortable without my раnтiеs. We have to go back to the station to get them.”
“We don’t have to go back,” George replied. “Just give the dog one sniff between your legs, and he’ll go fetch them for you.”
Mary lifted her skirt for the dog. After ten seconds of sniffing, the dog took off toward the station house.
Twenty minutes later they heard sirens. Suddenly the dog rounded the corner with a dozen police cars in pursuit - and the superintendent’s ваlls in his mouth!

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'Old' is when...
... Your sweetie says,
"Lets go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
... Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
... A pretty lady catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
... You remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
... When it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
... When you are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
..."getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
..."getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
... an "all nighter" means not getting up to рее!

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An inebriated crook had a little problem and ended up at the police station.
“Couldn’t you get that crook to confess to the сriме?” asked the police chief.
“We tried everything, Sir. We browbeat and badgered him wit every question we could think of.”
“How did he respond?
He just dozed off and said now and then:
“Yes, Dear. You are perfectly right.”

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A traffic cop stopped a woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment, he said,
"You know something? This is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face."
"Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print."

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They can make a lot of money off of sending people to jail these days because it's like prison-for-work camps and things like that. And did anybody know that three of the biggest shoe companies have invested in the prison system now? So you know what comes next? Prison commercials. Can you see some of the brothers in there doing a shoe commercial? Live from jail? 'If I'd a had these on, dog, I'd a got away.'

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