Jokes about Police Officers
So there was this female business executive who was late for a meeting. She was going 65 on a street where the speed limit was 40.
A cop pulled her over and said “ma’am, can I please see your license?”
She said, “I’m sorry, officer, but I got it revoked two years ago for drunк driving.”
His brow furrowed and he straightened up. “Well, can I please see the registration of your car?”
She said, “I stole the car and I killed the driver; he’s in the trunk.”
“Ma’am, DON’T MOVE, I’m calling for back-up.” He muttered furiously into his walkie-talkie… Five minutes later, half the squad pulls up, the Chief of Police walked over to the woman’s window. “Ma’am, can I see your license?” he asked sternly.
“Of course, officer,” she smiled demurely and pulls out a license from her purse.
He squinted warily at it. “This looks legitimate,” he mumbled. “Can I see the registration to this car?”
She pulled it out of the glove compartment and handed it to him.
“Ma’am, stand back!” He banged open the trunk of the car and flinched: but it was completely empty…
The woman brandishes a finger at the first cop and says accusingly, “And I’ll bet that liar told you I was speeding too!!”
A new priest has just started working at the local catholic church when the head priest, Father David, announces that he is going on holiday for a week. Father David asks the new priest if he wouldn’t mind doing the confessions whilst he’s away. Concerned that he is inexperienced, Father David gives him the latest handbook on what to do in the confession box.
The new priest has been doing the job for five minutes when a young woman enters the box and says, “Forgive me father, for I have sinned - I have had feelings of a carnal nature toward the man who cuts our lawn.”
The priest looks to his handbook, finds the section on sеxuаl desire and gardeners, and relays the appropriate penance to the woman. “You must do five hail Marys, and polish the church door brass.”
Later, a second woman confesses she has kissed the guy who came to fix the boiler. He looks in the handbook, finds the section on intimate liaisons with members of the plumbing trade and hands down a penance of ten hail Marys, fifty counts of the rosaries, and an afternoon trimming the church candles.
Much later a woman comes to the box and confesses that she has given the local policeman a вlоw-job. After a few minutes, the priest cannot find any mention of suскing a man’s соск in the handbook and wonders what to do. He sticks his head out of the box just as a choir boy is passing, and asks the lad, “Psst.. do you know what Father David usually gives for a вlоw-job?”
Quick as a flash, the young lad replies, “A bag of Skittles and a Kit-Kat.”
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball out of his bag and plays on. On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says,
"Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"
Joe says,
"Yes I did."
"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."
"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," the cop says.
"Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."