Jokes about Police Officers

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A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish.
By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, “Sir, I’m afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I’m afraid I’ll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!”
The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food.
The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer.
A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man’s table and says, “Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I’ll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I’ll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs; I’ll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings; I’ll break one of your arms!”
The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird’s rестuм, pulls it out and licks it.
He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, “Your turn!!”

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One fine spring day, Ollie decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car. As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ollie that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone. …
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“Oh, no”, Ollie protested. “I vas only doing tirty Officer.” ….
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“No, you were doing fifty”, replied the cop.
“Really, Officer, I vas only doing tirty”, Ollie replied stubbornly.
“Well”, bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the passenger seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up. “Officer…you really shouldn’t argue vit Ollie ven he’s been drinking.”

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They found a mysterious hole in the fence of our local nudist colony.
The police are looking into it.

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My dad used to use his police psychology on us. We would be outside playing; my father would come home from work and say things to me like, 'Lewis, come here. I thought I told you to mow the lawn.'
'Well father, I forgot.' My dad looked at me, 'Well, what if I forget to go to work tomorrow?' I'd say, 'Well, you could mow the lawn. What's the problem?'

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I got pulled over by the police and fined for driving in one of the Olympic lanes.
I tried to argue that it wasn’t clearly marked or signposted, but they weren’t having any of it.
They said that I should’ve noticed something was wrong when I started knocking down the hurdles.

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I saw a nice new widescreen TV at the shops today, but I’m going to have to wait until the sales.
Or until the police shoot another black guy.

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I approached a police officer this morning to tell him I’d been robbed.
“What did he look like sir?”
“He was bald, about 6 foot tall and white”
Okay no problem sir, we’ll take it from here.
“All units, we’re looking for a bald male, 6 foot, possibly a black man in disguise”.

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I was driving along and the mobile rang,. The boss said I’d been promoted. I drive a mile further and the phone rang again, the managing director said I’ve been promoted to the bosses job. Another mile and the phone rang again, it was the chairman, he said I’d been promoted to managing director. Just then I crashed into a tree. When the police arrived they asked what happened, I said I just careered of the road.

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My parents always taught me to chase my dreams but last night the police told me that stalking women is actually illegal and if they catch me again I could be sent to jail.

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Police have removed a large amount of material from a house belonging to Cliff Richard.
Fingers crossed it’s just child роrn and not new music.

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There were three guys in a hot air balloon, one said "We have too many of these." And droped a piece of wood. The second guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a brick. The last guy said "We have too many of these." And droped a bomb.
On the ground was a police officer who found a guy crying, "Why are you crying?"
"A plank of wood hit me on the head!" he replies. On the officer went. He then saw another guy crying, "Why are you crying?"
"A brick hit me on the head!" he replied. On he goes then sees a guy laughing. "Why are you laughing?" He asked. "I farted and the building behind me blew up!"

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My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were driving through Georgia. Hoping to get off with a warning, mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked,
"Shoot the tires out?"

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An Amish lady was driving her horse drawn buggy to town with her young son when she was stopped by a highway patrol officer.
“I’m not going to cite you,” said the officer, “I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous.”
“I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband repair it as soon as we return home.”
“Also,” said the officer, “I noticed that one of the reins to your horse is tied around your horse’s testicles. Some might consider this to be ‘cruelty to animals’ so you’d best have your husband check this, too.”
“Again I thank thee,” said the Amish lady, “I shall have my husband check this also when I return home.”
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector and her husband said that he would repair it immediately. “Also,” said the Amish lady, “the policeman said that there was something wrong with our emergency brake.”

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A minister parked his car in a no parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read:
"I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note:
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."

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What’s the difference between a box of donuts and a black man?
A box of donuts has 12 holes in it before the police turn up.

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A lady walked into a Police Station and the desk Sergeant said “Can I help You?”
“Yes” she said, “I’d like to report a case of sеxuаl аssаulт”.
“Where did it happen?” the Sergeant asked.
“In the park just down the road” she replied.
“Can you describe what happened?”
“Yes, I was walking along the footpath in the park near the trees when a man
Jumped out of the bushes and dragged me in there,
Removed my underwear then he dropped his pants to his knees and had his way With me”.
“Could you give me a description of him?”
“Yes, he was wearing white shoes, long white trousers, a white shirt and he Had these two big long pads from his feet up to and over his knees, one on Each leg”.
“Sounds to me like he was a cricketer, most probably a batsman”, said the Sergeant.
“Yes”, said the lady, “He was an England Cricketer”.
“That’s very observant”, said the Sergeant, “You worked that out from his Accent?”
“No”, she replied. “I worked it out because he wasn’t in for very long”.

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At the start of the shift one of the police officers asks "Did you hear about the terrible head on collision on route 208 between a Thunderbird and a Mustang? There was horse manure and feathers all over the road!"
The Chief came into headquarters a few minutes later. Not being too fast on the uptake, he was asked the same question, followed by the same "Horse manure and feathers all over the road."
"Anybody hurt?" he asked.

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As the police put the handcuffs on me, my mother said, “Dan, I’ve failed you as a mother.”
“Mum, my name is Dave.”

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