Relationship Jokes

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My girlfriend wanted us to get a Sleep Number bed, so we went and checked it out. Turns out her sleep number is 61, and mine is $3500!

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The other night I went out on a blind date. Well it didn't start out that way, she had mace.

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How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? Both of them.

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Wife: Had your Lunch??
Husband: Had your Lunch??
Wife: I am asking you??
Husband: I am asking you??
Wife: You Copying me??
Husband: You Copying me??
Wife: Lets go Shopping.
Husband: I had my Lunch.

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My wife is such a bad cook, the flies chipped in to fix the screens. - Rodney Dangerfield

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What do you have to do when your mother-in-law taps the window? Turn the furnace a little higher.

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Is a date a fruit or a vegetables? You don't know until he's at the door.

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Whenever it rains, my wife just stands at the window looking kind of sad.
Maybe I should let her in.

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My wife told me earlier today the spark between us had gone.
So I tasered her.
I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.

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A close friend confided in me that she had finally found Mr. Right...
Later she confessed she did not realize that she had found Mr. Always Right!

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Just bought my wife a desk-lamp for Christmas.
Her face is really gonna light up when she sees it.

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My wife recently told me that sеx is a lot better on holiday… I was really upset when I got the postcard.

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The following conversation took place between a husband and wife.
Husband: It’s a bit muggy tonight my love.
Wife: If you’ve put all our mugs in the garden again I’m gonna divorce you.
Husband: *Drinks a sip of tea from plant рот.*

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I saw a nакеd man jogging in the snow the other day. I asked him what he was doing outdoors nакеd and he said it was because I was home early.

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When me and my wife have arguments I always have the last word. Usually those words are ‘Sorry, you’re right’.

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My girlfriend told me today that she has 2 сunтs and apparently I’m one of them.

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Q. What does a grenade and a wife have in common?
A. They both take your house and leave you hurt when you remove the ring.

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Why is Cupid is a symbol for love? Personally, I find the idea of an arrow being shot through your heart by a flying baby extremely horrifying.

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