Relationship Jokes

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I’m feeling a bit down. I have been for a while now. I have no family and very few, if any friends and admittedly have never been good at relationships (no one has ever stayed in my life long enough I suppose to show me how. ) So, as an adult, I feel like I fail at friendship. I can’t make or seem to keep a friend and especially more than one. No one ever thinks to invite me to go anywhere or do anything. I had no parents growing up, I was abused, both physically and verbally the majority of my life. At this point I have begged, yes begged people to be in my life. I feel like I’m the problem. I’m so lonely for friends that I’ve threatened to move and start over but realistically that’s impossible. I know you have to be a friend to have a friend but no one (locally) seems to want to fill that void. I’m tired of begging and I’ve felt like the plague for the last few years. I don’t know what to do. I’m so unhappy about my situation that I could and have cried. I can’t have children so I can’t have my very own family. I feel like my entire life is missing because I lack many of life’s greatest blessings. What do you suggest? Signed, feeling blue……………. answer I think you should join the Police
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I met her on the Internet,
she said her name was Kiki,
I spoke to her one Saturday,
it soon became twice weekly.
I liked her face, her pointed сhin,
the way she touched her hair,
I loved her smile and glinting eyes,
and all beyond in there
I longed to meet her desperately,
but only could I dream,
of seeing her in the flesh
and not just on the screen
I booked my flight
and flew for hours,
I was feeling so elated
but finally, when we met
her face looked devastated
Why was this? I could not think.
Of course, I should have told her
I’m really only 4 feet tall,
and my head’s a lot more balder.
It always seemed too good for real,
the honeymoon was over,
I reluctantly went home again,
and wept as I flew over
and soon enough , I did groan,
the relationship had ended
she broke my heart
the wretched вiтсh,
and still it hasn’t mended
there is a happy ending though,
for after I lost Kiki,
I fell in love with Annabel
who doesn’t find me geeky
Anna is a lovely sight,
she makes me warm inside
I have to вlоw her up, you see
cause she’s my latex bride
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A husband and wife decide on a code language whenever they feel like having sеx to escape the attention of their son. According to the code language, the wife will be the typewriter and the husband will act as the typist. However, they had a petty quarrel a few days ago and were not talking to each other. One day the husband gets into the mood and he can’t hold any longer. So he sends a word to his wife through the son. The son comes and tells her, “Mom, dad wants to use the typewriter.” The wife was having her period at that time and she thought for a while and said, “Tell dad, he can’t because the red ribbon is on now,” she said. However, the husband misunderstands that it was a deliberate excuse on her part. Next day the son comes to his dad on an errand from his mom this time and tells him, “Dad, mom said it is okay now; the red ribbon is removed and you can type.” The husband then tells his son, “Tell your mom I don’t need to type now. It was urgent, so I've already written with my hand!”
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My girlfriend admitted to me she was once a Christian My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian
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A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave every single time."

"There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?"

"I married his widow."
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An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in the center of the tomb there’s a lamp. He picks it up, and as he starts to rub the dirt off of it, a genie comes out of the lamp and says, “I want to know the person you hate the most.” The explorer says, “That’s gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie. I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your ex-wife will get double that amount."
"Okay, I wish for a billion dollars."
"Granted, but you ex-wife gets two billion dollars."
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis courts, everything."
"Granted, and your ex-wife gets two." "Now make your final wish.” The explorer walks around for a few minutes, returns to the genie with a stick, and says, “You see this stick? I’d like you to beat me half to death.”
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