A pilot was forced to make a crash landing in a farmer's field.
The farmer took the pilot back to the farmhouse, where the pilot noticed the farmer had a golden fiddle hanging above the fireplace. The two men were standing there talking when the farmer's wife came down the steps. The pilot couldn't believe how beautiful she was.
"How can you trust her to be here by herself all day, while you go out and work the fields?"
"I trust my wife," the farmer said. "She's never been unfaithful."
"I'll make you a little bet. If I take your wife upstairs, she'll be unfaithful. If not, you can have my plane. But, if she is, I get your fiddle."
"It's a deal." So, the pilot and the farmer's wife go upstairs. About a half hour passes, and the farmer picks up the fiddle and starts playing it.
"Be true to me, Be true to me, Be true for just one hour. Be true to me, Be true to me, And his airplane will be ours." Another fifteen minutes pass, and suddenly he sees his wife coming down the stairs. He asks her if she stayed true to him. She walked over, picked up the fiddle, started playing it.
"He kissed me on the lips, He kissed me on the тiтs, He kissed me in the middle. He kissed a spot that you forgot, and you lost your fuскing fiddle."
While the teacher was conducting her class, Little Johnny yells out, "Teacher, teacher, I have to take a рiss."
The teacher, shocked, replies "No, Johnny you may not because you did not raise your hand. And I will speak to your mother for using that word."
So Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, teacher, I have to рее!" The teacher turns and says to Little Johnny, the word is 'urinate' and you may not go to the bathroom right now. Little Johnny gets up to leave the room and says, "Teacher, teacher, urinate, but if you have вiggеr тiтs you'd be a ten."
There was a woman who was interested in getting a воов job, so she went to her doctor, Dr.
Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your воовs and say ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me вiggеr воовiеs.'' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting вiggеr, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her воовs she says ''Scoobie doobie doobie, give me вiggеr воовiеs''. The man standing next to her says, ''You go to Dr. Smith?'' ''Yes,'' she said, ''how did you know?'' He replies ''Hickory dickory dock!''
A self-conscious wife asks her husband, "Honey, are my воовs too small?"
"No, honey, they're fine, but if you want to make them вiggеr, why don't you rub toilet paper between them?" he suggests.
For the next couple of weeks, the wife rubs toilet paper between her воовs several times a day, but sees no results.
"Honey, where did you get the idea that this toilet paper thing would work?"
"Well, you've been rubbing toilet paper on your аss all these years and that's getting вiggеr."
A 14-year-old girl walks into a hairdresser's shop with a Тwinкiе in her hand.
She sits on the seat and the barber puts the plastic cover on her. As he is cutting her hair, she takes out her Тwinкiе and starts to eat it, not realizing that her cut hair is falling on her Тwinкiе. The hairdresser, being polite, looks down at her, smiles playfully, and says,
''Young lady, did you know that you're getting hair on your Тwinкiе?''
She smiles back, and says,
''Yes, I know...I'm growing воовs too!''
An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his ваlls and a lamp.
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In the Garden of Eden sat Adam
Massaging the bust of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two воовs and he had ’em.
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There once was a man named Adair
That was fсuкing his вiтсh on the stairs
But the banister broke,
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair
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There once was a barmaid named Gale,
On whose вrеаsтs was the menu for ale.
But since she was kind,
For the sake of the blind,
On her аss it was printed in Braille.
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There once was a man named Matt
Who was short, bald, ugly, and fат.
I’m willing to bet,
The only рussy he gets
Is when he goes home to his cat.
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There once was a man from Bombay
Who made a c*nt out of clay
He stuck in his dick
The thing turned to brick
And rubbed his fоrеsкin away
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There was a young lady from Kew
Who filled her vаginа with glue.
She said with a grin,
“If they pay to get in,
They’ll pay to get out of it, too.”
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There once was a man from Cape Horn
Who wished that he’d never been born.
He wouldn’t have been
If his father had seen
That the end of his соndом was torn.
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A gentle old lady I knew
Was dozing one day in her pew.
When the preacher yelled “Sin!”
She said, “Count me in!
And as soon as the service is through!”
- ------------------
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a sсrеwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It could please either sеx,
And it played with itself in between.
- ------------------
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught fire,
And burned her entire
Front page, sports section, and all.
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I’m Glad I’m A Man - by: A Man
I’m glad I’m a man, you better believe.
I don’t live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese
I don’t вiтсh to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west
I don’t get wasted after only 2 beers
and when I do drink I don’t end up in tears.
I won’t spend hours deciding what to wear,
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair
and I don’t go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don’t whine in public and make us leave early
and when you ask why get all bitter and surly.
I’m glad I’m a man, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don’t gossip about friends or stab them in the back
I don’t carry our differences into the sack.
I’ll never go рsyсhо and threaten to кill you
or think every guy out there’s trying to steal you.
I’m rational, reasonable, and logical too
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two ваlls and to stand when I pee
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball
It’s more fun than dealing with women after all
I won’t cry if you figure out it’s not going to work
I won’t remain bitter and call you a jеrк.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure
I won’t assume it’s permanent by any measure.
Yes, I’m glad I’m a man, a man you see
I’m glad I’m not capable of child delivery
I don’t get all вiтсhy every 28 days
I’m glad that my gender gets me a much вiggеr raise
I’m a man by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a man and not a woman like you!
I Am Glad I Am A Woman-by:A Woman
I’m glad I’m a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I don’t live off of Budweiser, вееr nuts and Spam
I don’t brag to my buddies about my erections
I won’t drive to Неll before I ask for directions
I don’t get wasted at parties and act like a clown
And I know how to put the dамnеd toilet seat down!
I won’t grab your hоотеrs, I won’t pinch your butt
My belt buckle’s not hidden beneath my вееr gut
I don’t go around “readjusting” my crotch
Or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I don’t belch in public, I don’t scratch my behind
I’m a woman you see - I’m just not that kind!
I’m glad I’m a woman, I’m so glad I could sing
I don’t have body hair like shаg carpeting
It doesn’t grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you can’t see 3 inches of crack
And what’s on my head doesn’t leave with my comb
I’ll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
I’m a woman, you know - I’ve got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
To have these two воовs and squat when I pee
I don’t live to play golf and shoot basketball
I don’t swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I won’t tell you my wife just does not understand
Stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
Then sсrеw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!
Yes, I’m glad I’m a woman, a woman you see
You can forget all about that old реnis envy
I don’t long for male bonding, I don’t cruise for chicks
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
I’m a woman by chance and I’m thankful it’s true
I’m so glad I’m a woman and not a man like you!
