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Isn't it strange how drivers who go slower than you are idiots and those that go faster are maniacs?

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His girlfriend’s father was interviewing Young Charles. “So,” said that impressive personage, “you want to be my so-in-law, do you?
“Not particularly,” said Charles tactlessly, “but if I want to marry your daughter I haven’t much choice, have I?”

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If you’re here for the yodelling lesson, please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.

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Is that a Higgs boson in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

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The clear history button in your browser has saved more lives than Superman.

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*Watches Netflix happily*
*Remembers homework, exam study sheets and responsibilities.*
*Watches Netflix stressfully*

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Feeling alone? Feeling unwanted, like no one gives a hoot?
Do what I did... don't file your tax returns.

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#People #Who #Write #Messages #Like #This #Are #Really #F*cking #Annoying #, #Please #Stop #! #!

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I’ve decided that from now on I’m just gonna drink at home instead of drinking at bars. It’s cheaper, there are no time limits and I’m allowed to be nакеd.

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Old people at weddings poke me and say "Your next". So I started doin the same thing to them at funerals.
Please hit kickass if you liked it!

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Q. There is a King, Queen, and two Twins in a room. How are there no adults in the room?
A. They're all beds!

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Anyone who has raised, or even just been around, a toddler knows these things are true.
Toddlers and drunks are EERILY similar!
• No personal boundaries
• Falls over A LOT. Gets up, yells “I OK!” and keeps going
• Poor decision making skills
• Spontaneous vomiting
• Speaks gibberish
• Gets belligerent if you take away [insert favorite toy here]
• Cries for no apparent reason
• Streaking (see #3)
• Philosophical conversations with inanimate objects
• Short attention span
• Argumentative
• Poor short term memory
• Zero inhibitions
• Loses everything
• Will pass out anywhere
• One track mind
• Demanding
• Getting them undressed (or redressed) is like wrestling an alligator
• Runs into things that haven’t moved…ever
• One volume setting - LOUD!

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A spokesperson for the U. S. Mint announced that a new fifty-cent piece was being issued to honor two great American patriots.
On one side of the coin would be Teddy Roosevelt and on the other side, Nathan Hale.
Asked why two people were going to be on the same coin, the spokesman replied, "Now, when you toss a coin you can simply call.... 'Ted's or Hale's'."

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It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much shiт to carry.

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Under law, what is the maximum penalty for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

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If sтuрid was a disease I think you caught it.

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The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

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What's the difference between a jeweler, a vendor, and a bottle of glue?
A jeweler sells watches.
A vendor watches what he sells.
As for the bottle of glue, I thought you might have got stuck with that one.

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