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BRB: I don't wanna talk to you
LOL: I don't have anythings else to say
COOL: I really don't care

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My brother told me I needed to study more on my gardening.
I had a rock garden this year, and one of the rocks died!

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The first book I'd bring with me would be a big, plastic inflatable book, and the second one would be 'How to Make Oars out of Sand.'

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White people be like "I'm not white I'm:
22% Irish
18% German 28% Italian
30% French 2% milk

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He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.

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Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

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What do constipated people say?
"I wanna scream and shout, and let it all out"

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A lady walks into a shop one day she asks if she could try on a dress in the window, the manager suggested it might be better to use the changing room

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Did you hear about the angry fly that sat on the toilet seat all day long?
He finally got peed off.

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John, who suffers from chest cancer, was in hospital when a pastor decided to visit. Then all of a sudden john couldn't breath and couldn't talk so the pastor gave john a pen and paper to right his last few words. Somehow he managed to write his last few words before he died. Two days later at the funeral the pastor was telling everyone how good John was and how he died, then he remembered the letter and the pastor took it out of his jacket and read it out loud and it said:
" you're standing on my oxygen tube"

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There was a sticker on a loaf of bread that said, 'baked fresh for over 50 years.'
So THAT'S how long it takes to bake fresh bread...

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I really don't forgive people I just pretend like it's ok and wait for my opportunity to destroy them.

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I read the expression 'revenge is a dish best served cold'.
Then I read 'revenge is sweet'.
I came to the conclusion that revenge is ice cream.

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John to librarian:
"L want the book named 'Рsyсhо The Rарisт'".
The librarian searched for 2 hrs, then came back, slapped John and said,
"Idiот the book name is 'Psychotherapist'."

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If I stole 30 grand from a bank, I would go to jail. But if I were to borrow it, with no intention of paying it back, then I would be a college student.

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Why did the haunted house not like rain?
Because it dampened his spirits.

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The vocalist was practicing in the church with all the windows open.
As she stepped outside what a whiff of fresh air, she noticed the gardener trimming the shrubs. “How did you like my execution?” she asked.
The gardener without turning to look at her said, “I’m in favor of it.”

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What did the right eye say to the left eye?
"Just between you and me, something smells."

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