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I don’t know how your day went, but my day suскеd harder than a truck stop hоокеr on payday

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I’m making a fortune out of promoting home security systems.
The pitch is easy. All I do is say “Hello”.
At 3 in the morning whilst sitting on the end of their bed.

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Have hope for the future, but maybe build a bomb shelter anyway.

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Guy: there are 8 planets in the solar system, there will be 7 after i destroy uranus!

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If you're a black dude and you tell a girl she smells like peaches, you're flirting with her. If you're a white dude and you say it, you're stabbing her.

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I sell ammunition. My motto is, "ALWAYS leave them wanting more!"

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"This house," said the real estate salesperson, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

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Out in space two alien forms are speaking with each other.
The first spaceman says, “The dominant life forms on the earth planet have developed satellite-based weapons.”
The second alien, who looks exactly like the first, asks, “Are they an emerging intelligence?”
The first spaceman says, “I don’t think so, they have them aimed at themselves.”

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This guy wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class and practice a little. Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his вuтт! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing!
“. . . On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again…”. The guy really freaks out! He runs and gets the M. A. and drags the poor guy back to the table. “Look!” he says, and pulls the cork out again, “. . . On the road again . . .”
The M. A. is totally unimpressed…”So what?” he says.
“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”, the guy asked. “Are you kidding?” says the M. A. “Any аsshоlе can sing country music!”

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As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.
Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be fuскing hilarious

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I don’t have to pick strawberries for a living, I just do it for the luxuries - like bread and shoes. …

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Fighting for peace is like fuскing for virginity.

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You seem like a sweet girl. Mind if I liск you to find out?

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Im a squirrel and you are nuts.

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Hey, you a power switch? Cuz you turn me on.

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Benefits of dating me:
- You'd be dating me.
I'd go on, but I think I made my point.

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Are you an angel?
Cause I'm allergic to feathers.

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A traveling salesman’s car breaks down, and he walks to a nearby farm. He knocks on the door and the farmer appears.
“Excuse me sir, but my car broke down about a mile down the road, and I was wondering if you had a place I could stay, just until morning, and I…..”
The farmer says, “Well, I can let you sleep in the barn, but you’ll have to sleep with my two sons….”
The salesman says, “Sons! I must be in the wrong joke!”

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