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Daughter: Dad, what’s your opinion on abortions?
Dad: Ask your sister
Daughter: But I don’t have a sister
Dad: Exactly

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What do you call you’re daughter’s boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance

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Why is the disease lung cancer never hungry, Because its eating on your lungs

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I was watching my daughter at a park she was playing with a few people another parent came up to me and said which was is yours, just for fun i said “i am still choosing” she looked horrified

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After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.
Lord: Has something happened while I was gone?
Gardener: Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burrying your dog.
Lord: My dog died?!
Gardener: Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down.
Lord: My mansion?! How?!
Gardener: Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains.
Lord: Why was she so distraught?
Gardener: She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped.
Lord: My daughter! Don’t you have any positive news for me?!
Gardener: Oh right! Your cancer test results!

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Daughter: I know this is weird but I feel like that someone is watching me when I am sleeping.
Father: Sorry

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Sometimes, I think back on all the mistakes I’ve ever made.
Then I realize “My daughter isn’t THAT bad…”

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Why was I stress eating on the train track?
To wait to get hit.

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What do you call a train with buble gum?
A chew chew train
Oh man im depressed

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Why can’t a steam locomotive sit down?
Because it has a tender behind.

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Friend: hits head*
Others: how many fingers am i holding up?
Me: to friend* how suicidal am i on a scale from one to ten?
Friend: ten
Me: hes fine guys

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How many fingers am I holding up?
Said the suicide bomber, referring to the countdown.

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Is it normal my emo cousins hobby is tying himself to train tracks.

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How many fingers does the Dragonborn have?
Four fingers and a Thu’um.

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You use your legs as support you count on your fingers

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Jim and Allyn are 2 mates in the Air Force. They were paired up for a training exersice. They got up into the air and Jim said, “okay Allyn, your helmet can control the missile when launched from the jet. Go ahead and test fire a missile and aim it at anything you want.” Allyn fired the missile and had his eyes set on an abandoned building. Jim then said, “I also forgot, watch out for friendly fire.” Allyn said “what?” As he looked over at Jim.

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Why did Helen Keller’s boyfriend have wax on his finger? Because he was whispering sweet nothings into her ear!

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All school meetings introductions:
Grade School;
“Welcome Girls and Boys!”
Middle School;
“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome!”
High School;
“Fingerers and fingerees,”

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