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Sure Mexico, you may have temporarily stolen our crown as fattest country... but just wait until the Twinkies come back!

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Many video games have the warnings 'Blood'
'Crude Language' and 'Violence'... just like a girl on period.

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What do you call a multiracial gаy person?
Mixed Fruit!

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Is there by any chance of you being Athletic??
Yeah, I Surf the Web.....

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The most annoying people are those that are in exceptionally good shape at the gym. I'm like, "What are you doing here? You're done.."

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I normally struggle with my laziness. should I sit down and do nothing, or lie down and do nothing.

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Playing pass with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a ball.

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You know what's easier than applying sunscreen? Not going outside.

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If its so great outside why do bugs try to get in my f*cking house?

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Did you sit in frosted flakes? 'cause that аss is GRRRRREAT!

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I told my girlfriend that my mom is old so she needs to speak slowly and loud. Then I told my mom my girlfriend is rетаrdеd. They have no idea!

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My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I'm pretty? Do you think I'm pretty?"
Why doesn't she just answer me?

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Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
He's for me,
Not for you,
If by chance,
You take my place,
I'll take my fist, And smash your face.

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Daddy, I hate mommy's guts.
Just eat what you can son.

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"Hey Daddy there's a lady jogging over there."
Sorry son, we need room in the trunk for groceries but good eye, son, good eye.

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I love to brag to people on how I handle financial transactions for a multi-billion dollar corp. It beats telling them I'm a f*cking cashier at McDonald's.

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I always wondered why The Muppets had such large protruding eyes. I then realized that if I had a hand shoved up my аss my eyes would do the same.

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Want to see something dissapear?
How
Bend over and lets see

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