Jokes

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My Australian puns are of good koala-ty!

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I hit my neon that one that was sodium funny

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I became a professional fisherman...
But discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

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I was so sad and crying when I lost my playstation 3 but unfortunately, there was nobody to console me!

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There was a cat with 16 lives.
A 4x4 (jeep) ran it over,
And the cat died.

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I really ducking hate autocorrect.

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A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing furiously. I told him rabies could be cured and he didn't have to worry about a will. He said,
"Will, what will? I'm making a list of people I'm gonna bite."

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Just been sacked from my job at the casino. Apparently when they hired me as a dealer I wasn’t supposed to try and sell сrаск сосаinе to customers.

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I quit saying "Мidgет" because it's offensive.
Besides, "People McNuggets" is better.

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I went on my first ever date with a girl last night, I treated her like a princess. It took the fire brigade 3 hours to cut us out after we crashed in the tunnel.

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Did you hear about the guy who swallowed a yo yo?
He did the same shiт 6 times.

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Just failed my job interview after the following question:
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: I normally do it verbally using words but on this occasion I’ve actually prepared a dance.

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What did the big black bucket say to the little white bucket?
"You're a little pail."

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I just bought a brand new chess set at a раwn shop.

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Just back from the zoo. Saw a slice of toast lying in one of the enclosures. It was bread in captivity.

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The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business...
... due to low circulation.

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There were three guys, Poo, Shut up and Manners. Poo fell off his bike, Manners went to help and Shut up rang the ambulance. The ambulance co-ordinate asked " what is your name?" 'SHUT UP.' "I'm sorry, what is your name?" 'SHUT UP!' "Wheres your manners!?!" 'Over there, picking up Poo.

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I broke my finger today, but on the other hand, I'm completely fine!

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