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I don't trust people with graph paper. They're always plotting something

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Once there was a Spanish speaking magician who promised a vanishing act. So he says,
"I will count to 3 and I will disappear!"
"Uno! Dos!" and then РООF! With a рuff of smoke he was gone, without even a Tres!

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Hung a picture up on the wall the other day. Nailed it.

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What part of a football ground is never the same? The changing rooms.

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What do you call stinky noodles?
Fedit-cheeni

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A group of horses were moving down towards the horse court for horse jury.
One horse asks another, "Where do we enter again?"
The other horse replies indignantly, "Why the mane entrance of course!"

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What do hair accessories do after they finish a show?
They bow.

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What does a book have when it's far away?
A pager.

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I bumped into my mate in the pub last night who was looking a bit glum, so I asked him what was up.
“Well, I can’t afford anything anymore so I’ve had to cancel my golf and gym memberships, my Sky TV package and have to cut down on fаgs to 20 a week” he sighed.
“Because of the recession?” I asked.
“No” he replied. “I’ve been forced off benefits and been made to get a job.”

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Did you know that 85% percent of pie charts resemble Packman?

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I like to moan with pleasure during my prostate exams, it breaks that awkward silence.

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What did the windmill say when she met her favorite movie star?
"Nice to meet you. I'm a BIG FАN!"

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The following conversation took place this morning.
Me: Sorry boss can’t come in today my car has broken down.
Boss: What about the bus?
Me: I don’t have a bus.

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If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.

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If Jimmie cracked corn and no one cared, then why did they write a song about it?

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Driving my daughter to her swimming lesson this morning, I asked
“So what are you doing today then?”
“It’s ‘locate and rescue’ today.” She said, “We’ve to dive under and grab a rubber brick from the bottom.”
I said “You’re going to have to hold your breath for a good while.”
“Why, is it hard to find?” She asked.
“No idea.” I said, winding up the windows “But I’ve just farted.”

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Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.

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I've been to the dentist many times so I know the drill.

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