Chocolate Jokes

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Today, a guy put a gun to my head and demanded a coconut-filled chocolate bar.
I hate Bounty Hunters.

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Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...
10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any floaties, ie... backwash.
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person - period!
5. For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. To have a family meal without a discussion about воdily secretions.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me!"
And #1... Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

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I was out in the garden with my obese wife looking up at the stars with our telescope ‘she said it’s amazing I can see all the galaxies!’
I said ‘stop pointing the telescope at the chocolate shop and look at the dамn stars!’

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A gingеr lady at work recently announced that she was having a baby with her black boyfriend. When discussing possible baby names my suggestion of “Terry the Chocolate Orange” was apparently ‘offensive’ could lead to me getting ‘fired’.

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Last night I made my wife come in two seconds.
I held out a chocolate bar.

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I said to my wife last night, “Can you imagine, being with a man who worked in a chocolate shop, who had chocolate on him at all times, but never let you have any, just because he didn’t like it?”
“That would be awful.” She replied, “Totally selfish behaviour.”
“Exactly, any chance of sеx tonight?”

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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

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Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
He didn't want to fall in the hot chocolate.

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Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority ….
…..
Amanda Mount …
Anita B Jaynow …
Anita Bath ….
Anita Longerman ….
Anita Mandelay ….
Anna Reksik ….
Annie Position
Annie Rection
Are Soles to You
Arfur Foulkesaycke
Ben Derhover
Ben Timover
Betty Swallocks
Chit Hot
Chocolate Starfish
Choke the Chicken
Curl One Off
Dick Face
Harry Azzol
Harry Balls
Harry Monk
Hugh G Dildeaux
Hugh G Rection
Hugh Gass Kisser
Hugh Gorgy
Hugh Janus
Ima Hoare
Ima Goodlay
Ima P Ness
Ima Rapist
Ivanna Humpalot
Ivanna Threesome
Ivanna Tinkle
Jack Schitt
Major B Oner
Norfolk Enchants
OilBeefHooked
Pee Nesenvy
Willie Be Hardigan
Spank The Monkey
The Fokker
The Gobbler

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

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An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, “I’ll go get some." She says,
"Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."
Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH". She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."

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Got myself a Greek advent calendar today. Behind every door there’s a note saying “IOU chocolate”.

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An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly an Eurofighter with a Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now have a look here!"
He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, and then swoops down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks: "Well, how was that?"
The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but watch this!"
The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly straight, at the same speed. After 15 minutes, the Airbus pilot radios, "Well, how was that?
Confused, the jet pilot asks, "What did you do?"
The Airbus pilot laughs and says: "I got up, stretched my legs, walked to the back of the aircraft to use the washroom, then got a cup of coffee and a chocolate fudge pastry."

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