Chocolate Jokes

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Top 10 List of what Moms REALLY want...
10. To be able to eat a whole candy bar (alone) and drink a soda without any floaties, ie... backwash.
9. To have my 14 year-old daughter answer a question without rolling her eyes in that, "Why is this person my mother?" way.
8. Five pounds of chocolate that won't add twenty.
7. A shower without a child peeking through the curtain with a "Hi Ya Mom!" just as I put a razor to my ankle.
6. A full time cleaning person - period!
5. For my teenager to announce, "Hey, Mom! I got a full scholarship and a job all in the same day!"
4. A grocery store that doesn't have candy/gum/toys displayed at the checkout line.
3. To have a family meal without a discussion about воdily secretions.
2. To be able to step on a plane with my toddlers and NOT have someone moan, "Oh no! Why me!"
And #1... Four words: Fisher Price Play Prison

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I was out in the garden with my obese wife looking up at the stars with our telescope ‘she said it’s amazing I can see all the galaxies!’
I said ‘stop pointing the telescope at the chocolate shop and look at the dамn stars!’

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Can’t believe how dangerous healthy eating can be. Just cut myself peeling an apple, think I will stick to chocolate bars in the future.

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Last night I made my wife come in two seconds.
I held out a chocolate bar.

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I said to my wife last night, “Can you imagine, being with a man who worked in a chocolate shop, who had chocolate on him at all times, but never let you have any, just because he didn’t like it?”
“That would be awful.” She replied, “Totally selfish behaviour.”
“Exactly, any chance of sеx tonight?”

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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

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Why did the elephant sit on the marshmallow?
He didn't want to fall in the hot chocolate.

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Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority ….
…..
Amanda Mount …
Anita B Jaynow …
Anita Bath ….
Anita Longerman ….
Anita Mandelay ….
Anna Reksik ….
Annie Position
Annie Rection
Are Soles to You
Arfur Foulkesaycke
Ben Derhover
Ben Timover
Betty Swallocks
Chit Hot
Chocolate Starfish
Choke the Chicken
Curl One Off
Dick Face
Harry Azzol
Harry Balls
Harry Monk
Hugh G Dildeaux
Hugh G Rection
Hugh Gass Kisser
Hugh Gorgy
Hugh Janus
Ima Hoare
Ima Goodlay
Ima P Ness
Ima Rapist
Ivanna Humpalot
Ivanna Threesome
Ivanna Tinkle
Jack Schitt
Major B Oner
Norfolk Enchants
OilBeefHooked
Pee Nesenvy
Willie Be Hardigan
Spank The Monkey
The Fokker
The Gobbler

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A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?'
'We can't chew them because we've no teeth', she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them then?'
The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them."

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An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, “I’ll go get some." She says,
"Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."
Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH". She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."

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Got myself a Greek advent calendar today. Behind every door there’s a note saying “IOU chocolate”.

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A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
Observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.
Since her birthday was not far off
He asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday.
‘I’d like to be twelve again’, she replied,
Still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops,
And then took her to Alton Towers theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park;
The Death Slide, the Corkscrew,
The Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there Was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a Mc Donald’s
Where he ordered her a Happy Meal
With extra fries and a chocolate shake..
Then it was off to the cinema with popcorn,
A huge Cola, and her favourite sweets……M&M’s..
What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband
And collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile
And lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being twelve again?’
Her eyes slowly opened, and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you rетаrd!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it frucking’ Wrong.

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