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Lazy fact #0472728917162739472652
You were reallylazy to read that number

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Did you hear about the classical pianist who was not a good speller? When she went out to buy something she left a sign on her door that said:
"Out Chopin. Be Bach in a minuet"

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Went to the barbers today and asked to get my hair cut like Justin Bieber. He totally shaved my head bald. I said “What the hеll have you done. Justin Bieber doesn’t have his hair cut like this!!”, the barber said “He would if he came into my shop.”

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Why did the two cameras decide to get together for a date?
If they clicked, they wanted to see what would develop!

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I think it is a patently ridiculous announcement that 'your seat cushion can be used as a floatation device.' Folks, if we're crashing, my seat cushion's gonna be used as a toilet.

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Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

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TripAdvisor review for Turkey: a nightlife to die for.

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How do you know when your date is going badly?
You accidentally spike your own drink with rohypnol.

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*stops writing book*
Is the color spelled grey or gray?
Fuck it
*continues writing* "The sky was light bIack, it had been raining all day"

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Two cannibals are munching on singer/musician Al Yankovic...
One says to the other, "Does this taste a little weird to you?"

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This week I managed to do 14 press ups. I did two press-ups every day for 7 days.

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Maybe I’m not imaginative enough, but if I had a time machine, I think I’d just fast-forward to bedtime.

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Lisa was out driving her car and while stopped at a red light, the car's engine suddenly turned off.
It was a busy intersection and the traffic behind her was starting to pile up. The guy in the car directly behind her was honking his horn continuously as Lisa tried to get the car to start up again.
Finally she gets out and approaches the guy behind her. "I can't seem to get my car started," Lisa said, smiling. "Would you be so kind and try if you can get it fixed for me? I'll stay here in your car and lean on your horn for you."

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Guidance Counselor: " Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
Student:
" In a mirror... Duh."

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Went to the barbers today and had a no. 2. At first it just seemed like a fаrт but I ended up following through.

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There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The "smart guy" says,
"Meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" Later on an hour passes. The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated. The "not smart at all guy" says,
"I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"

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A stormtrooper just got sent to the firing squad. …
He will be missed.

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What did the mayo say when someone opened the refrigerator door?
"Close the door, I'm dressing!"

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