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Butt is actually a British measuring unit equivalent to 125 US gallons or 105 imperial gallons.

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Paul:
“I’ve got problems with mathematics.”
Michael:
“Me too.”
Eric:
“Yeah, that makes four of us.”

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One pen pal to another, “Can you tell me what you look like?”
“Do you know Beyonce?”
“Yes!”
“So, not like that.”

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What did the toilet roll complain about?
"People just keep ripping me off!"

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What to do when somebody is trying to start an argument with you? Simply eat a few cookies. They taste very nice and you can’t hear anything over the crunching.

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What goes through every village, over mountains, crosses rivers and deserts and yet never moves?
A road.

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I looked at my crush while I was filling her glass with water. The water overflowed and spilled all over my trousers. She looked at me and asked, “What are you doing?” I said, “For you, I will always give 110 percent…”

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I burnt 1500 calories yesterday. I left a cake in the oven for too long.

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Why are there such huge waiting times in emergency rooms in all hospitals?
Because they’re testing the theory that time heals all wounds.

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“Waiter, take your thumb off my schnitzel immediately!”
“Oh yeah? And have it fall down again!?”

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Isn’t it funny – when you eat a sausage, you digest it and the body makes it again into a sausage.

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Why do people duck when it rains? Do they think they will get less wet?

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You go early to bed. You sleep for 8 hours. You wake up early. You're considered disciplined.
You go later to bed. You sleep for 8 hours and wake up late – and you're considered lazy. Why?

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