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When you’re dressed all in black and some smart аss asks you who died, simply look around the room and say, “I haven’t decided yet. ”

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What’s the difference between BOOM! Aaaaargh! And Aaaaaargh! BOOM!?
The difference is whether you’re falling from the 1st or the 10th floor.

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Which tea is the most popular in psychiatries?
Insanitea

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– When I drink coffee I can’t sleep.
– Really? I have the exact opposite.
– Wow, seriously?
– Yes, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

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Last words of a skydiver?
Oh сrар, those annoying clothes moths!!!

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A guy leans closer to his wife.
„Can you keep a secret?“ he whispers to her.
“Sure I can,” says the wife, becoming curious.
“That’s good,” whispers the man again, “so can I.”

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Eva asks Adam in the Garden of Eden:
“Adam, do you desire me and me only? ”
“Sure thing, baby,” replies Adam affectionately, “who else?”

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I really can’t stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.
Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

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"Mom, how come I still didn’t get my period? I mean I’m already 19 and Janet got hers when she was just 13!"
"Listen to me, Brian, you’re NOT getting a period ever!"

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Excuse me, didn’t you forget to flush the toilet?
Of course I did, otherwise it wouldn’t stink like this, would it?

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Don’t you hate it when you come to somebody’s place and they just can’t shut up asking you sтuрid questions like “what do you want” and “who are you” and “омg is that a real gun? ”

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Conductor on a train:
“But sir, you cannot travel with this! This is a child’s ticket! You’re at least 25 years old!”
“You see how horribly long your delays are? You should be ashamed!”

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My neighbor came at me really aggressively, asking if I knew anything about her underwear disappearing from her clothes line.
I can tell you I nearly shiт her pants.

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What method of contraception do you use? I’m always really nice and kind. - Peter, 32, best friend of many, many women

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You have to appreciate how badass the Chinese are, making their language totally out of tattoo symbols.

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I’ve read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking recently that I made a new, firm New Year’s resolution: NO MORE READING!

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Two blind dudes are fighting really viciously. How do you stop them?
You shout, “I’m betting on the dude with the knife!”

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A tourist is enjoying the sights from the famous Tashkent tower in Uzbekistan when suddenly a guy in a hang-glider arrives, smashes into the tower and tumbles down to certain death.
Shortly afterwards, a second hang-glider does exactly the same.
The horrified tourist turns to the local guide, asking what on Earth just happened.
The guide shrugs, “You know how it is. Poor country, poor terrorists.”

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