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An Irishman walks out of a bar.

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Q: What did the blind, deaf, mute quadraplegic boy get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

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Need a Push?
Q: Why did the girl fall off the swing.
A: She had no arms.

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What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang the picture.

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A bear was taking a dump in the forest when a rabbit walked by. The bear said, "Hey rabbit, does poo stick to your fur?"
"No," replied the rabbit. The bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his вuтт with him.

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The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn't request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, "Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, "One billion bottles of вееr on the wall... ."

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There was once a man named Odd. People made fun of him because of his name so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, "That's odd."

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A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.
Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.
A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.
"Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
"We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish."
"Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

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- I'm not convinced. I'm going to go give her a good shaking?
- I'm sure we'll all be laughing about this in no time!
- It's funny - we all thought you'd be the first to go, Grandpa.
- You know, your husband never paid back that $50 he owed

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What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Hey! Watch this...

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Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter - he's not going to come anyway.

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Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
'Cause he was dead!

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While I was having a medical, I asked the doctor if I'd live to be 100.
"Not with Mercury in Uranus" he replied.
"I don't believe in Astrology", I noted.
"Neither do I, he said - my thermometer just broke off in your аrsе".

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Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

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Meat shop

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Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
- And more importantly, where is my hamster?

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I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my camouflage army jacket: You can hide, bro, but you can't run.

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A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains. The instructions say he can also bring one friend. But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked:
“Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
"Yeah, but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”

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