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A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.
Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.
A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.
"Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
"We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish."
"Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

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- I'm not convinced. I'm going to go give her a good shaking?
- I'm sure we'll all be laughing about this in no time!
- It's funny - we all thought you'd be the first to go, Grandpa.
- You know, your husband never paid back that $50 he owed

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What's the last thing a redneck says before he dies?
Hey! Watch this...

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Why'd the monkey fall out of the tree?
'Cause he was dead!

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The man who created autocorrecthas died.
Restaurant in peace!

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While I was having a medical, I asked the doctor if I'd live to be 100.
"Not with Mercury in Uranus" he replied.
"I don't believe in Astrology", I noted.
"Neither do I, he said - my thermometer just broke off in your аrsе".

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Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.

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Meat shop

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Why did my washing machine stop pumping out water?
- And more importantly, where is my hamster?

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I have one thing to say to the invalid who stole my camouflage army jacket: You can hide, bro, but you can't run.

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A cannibal is invited to a teambuilding week in the mountains. The instructions say he can also bring one friend. But when he arrives, he brings ten people. The organizer is shocked:
“Come on Alan, what the heck, the invitation said you can only bring one person!”
"Yeah, but it also said bring your own food, didn’t it?!”

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What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.

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Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can sтriр all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

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Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people?
Just switch off the lights.

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“You da bomb!”
“No, you da bomb!”
In America – a compliment. In the Middle East – an argument.

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I took away my ex-girlfriend’s wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me?

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At a first date:
He: “I work with animals every day!”
She: “Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?”
He: “I’m a butcher.”

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A nurse says to a new father, “Your baby is very pretty.”
The father looks pleased, “Really? Come on, don’t you say this to everybody?”
The nurse shakes her head, “No, of course not.”
The father wonders, “So what do you say if the baby’s ugly?”
The nurse smiles, “Then I say the baby really takes after its father.”

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