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Q: Why can't orphans play baseball?
A: They don't know where home is.

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What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don't know what he got. He hasn't opened it yet

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there are 4 guys standing on a bridge. A chinese guy, russian guy, mexican guy, and an american guy. the chinese threw off noodles. they all asked, why did you do that? the chinese said, because we have to much of that in china. the russian guy throws off vоdка. they asked why did you do that? he replies, we have to much of that in russia. the mexican guy throws off a taco. they asked why did you do that? he says, because we have to much of that in mexico. the american…picks up the mexican, and throws him. they all asked WHY DID YOU DO THAT! the american replies, oh because we have tooooo many of "those" in america.

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telling a New Zealander that they are just a smaller Australia is like telling a Scottish person they are English you'll probably last about 9.99 milliseconds before you become haggis if you tell a Kiwi that the the same as a Aussie you'll become the NEW ZEALAND DISH OF pavlova. SO don't FUСКING CALL KIWIS AUSSIES.

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I just read about this terrible thing that goes on in parts of the world, parts of west Africa and parts of the Middle East. A woman turns of age -- as a ritual, they cut off her сliтоris: genital mutilation. This is awful. I heard about this, I thought, 'Oh my God, no matter how much I complain about our country, I should be thankful this will never be a ritual here 'cause the men here don't know where the сliтоris is.'

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All I want for Christmas is you, lol JK, I want an iPhone 5.

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Some people have skeletons in their closet. I have a whole graveyard!

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A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar.
The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''

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how do you make a chicken cross the road?
shoot at it.

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I hate people asking for kickasses. kickass if you agree.

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This is the best quote ever: Chocolate is very healthy because chocolate comes from coco beans. Coco beans come from a plant. A plant is healthy... So there you have it chocolate is very healthy.

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Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man from a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

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What is the difference between hiтlеr and Michael phelps
Michal phelps can finish a race

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Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passed

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I found a wallet today, as a good Christian I thought "what would Jesus do?" ... so I turned it to wine.

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My favorite movie is Titanic...
...my favorite character is the ice berg.

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knock knock. orphan: whos there? not your parents

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Why are friends like balloons?
When you stab them, they die.

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