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Every year for my birthday, she would make me a birthday cake from scratch, and then she would let me liск the egg beaters. And then she would turn them on, and that would hurt my tongue.
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Imagine you are in a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. What do you do?
Stop imagining.
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Never tell your BFF that they're your BFF...
It leads to an awkward silence and then "ОМG! really?" And then "Well_______ is my BFF so sorry!" That's what my BFF did anyway, wait... Hey that somehow was all my imagination!!!!
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Kickass if star wars is better then star Trek
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I refuse to go to the bathroom on an airplane because if I'm gonna die in a cartwheeling ball of flames, it is not gonna be in a flying outhouse with my pants around my ankles.
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I, too, have a conspiracy theory. I believe that Einstein was killed by the mafia because he knew too much.
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Hitchhikers see me coming, they hide behind trees. I'm so miserable, I pull over anyways:
'Come on -- hop in and stab me. Let's get it over with.'
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A duck walks into a bar and animal control is called bc it is unsanitary to have a duck in the bar
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You ever just been by a place and been like, 'Man, if I went in there, I know I'd get laid'? I get that feeling all the time 'cause I live near a prison.
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I got my driver's license when I was 16. And the day I got it, I was driving my car through a parking lot -- I hit a parked car. Normally when you do that, you're supposed to put a note on the car that says, 'Whoops, sorry.' But my note said something different; it said, 'You know you wanted it.'
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No, you mean over MY dead body!
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Last Thursday, there's an ambulance outside my house, loading a body in. So, I go up to the cop at the door and say, 'What's going on?' He says, 'Looks like your wife committed suicide.' I'm thinking, 'Oh great. Right before the weekend.' So I go down to the morgue to identify her body, and I spend half the day there browsing. The morgue guy pulls up the tray, pulls back the sheet, and I said, 'Yeah, that's her.' All of a sudden, he starts laughing. I said, 'What's so funny?' Next thing I know, the lights come on, she pops up -- 'Surprise! Happy Birthday!' I couldn't believe I fell for that two years in a row.
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I was in the bank the other day. I was on line for about 45 minutes. I got bored. So, the guy standing in front of me -- I just punched him in the back of the head. I said, 'I'm sorry. I thought I knew you.'
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I especially hate people that have life-after-death experiences because they're just so full of it, you know? 'Oh, I had an accident, and then I was headed towards this bright white light.' You know, the first thing an ambulance crew does when they find an unconscious victim? They shine something in your eye.
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When I was in junior high, we moved to the suburbs to a neighborhood that was not very tough at all. Even our school bully was only passive-aggressive. He wouldn't take your lunch; he'd just go, 'You're gonna eat all that?'
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What is funnier than a реnguin falling down a hill?
The реnguin that pushed him.
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Grandma says to grandson : I rememeber what your grandpa's last words were before he was hit by a bus, they were "Oh Fuск A Bus!"
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I think we know when they're happy; we know when they're crying; we know when they're рissеd off. We have no idea what order those are gonna come at us. That's why we don't allow women in combat -- 'cause they'd win.
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