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A duck walks into a bar and animal control is called bc it is unsanitary to have a duck in the bar
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You ever just been by a place and been like, 'Man, if I went in there, I know I'd get laid'? I get that feeling all the time 'cause I live near a prison.
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I got my driver's license when I was 16. And the day I got it, I was driving my car through a parking lot -- I hit a parked car. Normally when you do that, you're supposed to put a note on the car that says, 'Whoops, sorry.' But my note said something different; it said, 'You know you wanted it.'
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Last Thursday, there's an ambulance outside my house, loading a body in. So, I go up to the cop at the door and say, 'What's going on?' He says, 'Looks like your wife committed suicide.' I'm thinking, 'Oh great. Right before the weekend.' So I go down to the morgue to identify her body, and I spend half the day there browsing. The morgue guy pulls up the tray, pulls back the sheet, and I said, 'Yeah, that's her.' All of a sudden, he starts laughing. I said, 'What's so funny?' Next thing I know, the lights come on, she pops up -- 'Surprise! Happy Birthday!' I couldn't believe I fell for that two years in a row.
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We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.
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I was in the bank the other day. I was on line for about 45 minutes. I got bored. So, the guy standing in front of me -- I just punched him in the back of the head. I said, 'I'm sorry. I thought I knew you.'
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I especially hate people that have life-after-death experiences because they're just so full of it, you know? 'Oh, I had an accident, and then I was headed towards this bright white light.' You know, the first thing an ambulance crew does when they find an unconscious victim? They shine something in your eye.
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When I was in junior high, we moved to the suburbs to a neighborhood that was not very tough at all. Even our school bully was only passive-aggressive. He wouldn't take your lunch; he'd just go, 'You're gonna eat all that?'
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What is funnier than a реnguin falling down a hill?
The реnguin that pushed him.
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Grandma says to grandson : I rememeber what your grandpa's last words were before he was hit by a bus, they were "Oh Fuск A Bus!"
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I think we know when they're happy; we know when they're crying; we know when they're рissеd off. We have no idea what order those are gonna come at us. That's why we don't allow women in combat -- 'cause they'd win.
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Person 1: Hey, u wanna hear a joke?
Person 2: Yeah sure!!
Person 1: Your life.
*work best through text. Kickass for more.
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I was sentenced life imprisonment jail for 2 years
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I like a sport where someone's getting injured. Of course, I watch presidential speeches just in case there's a sniреr.
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I got a cousin who's a psychotic with low self-esteem. He only wants to assassinate the vice president.
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Why didn't the blind man go home? Cause he fell off a cliff.
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How many kittens does it take to paint the wall red?
One just throw it really hard.
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I got in this elevator earlier, and I ended up standing next to this woman who smelled just like my ex-girlfriend, the same perfume or something. It's neat how an aroma can make you think of something else. So, I'm strangling this woman....
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