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When the sisters fight, you know who won the fight because there'll be extensions all over the floor.

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Every year for my birthday, she would make me a birthday cake from scratch, and then she would let me liск the egg beaters. And then she would turn them on, and that would hurt my tongue.

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Imagine you are in a deserted island in the middle of nowhere. What do you do?
Stop imagining.

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What's grosser than gross?
Giving your grandmother оrаl sеx. And then hitting your head on the coffin lid.

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Kickass if star wars is better then star Trek

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I refuse to go to the bathroom on an airplane because if I'm gonna die in a cartwheeling ball of flames, it is not gonna be in a flying outhouse with my pants around my ankles.

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I, too, have a conspiracy theory. I believe that Einstein was killed by the mafia because he knew too much.

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Hitchhikers see me coming, they hide behind trees. I'm so miserable, I pull over anyways:
'Come on -- hop in and stab me. Let's get it over with.'

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A duck walks into a bar and animal control is called bc it is unsanitary to have a duck in the bar

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You ever just been by a place and been like, 'Man, if I went in there, I know I'd get laid'? I get that feeling all the time 'cause I live near a prison.

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I got my driver's license when I was 16. And the day I got it, I was driving my car through a parking lot -- I hit a parked car. Normally when you do that, you're supposed to put a note on the car that says, 'Whoops, sorry.' But my note said something different; it said, 'You know you wanted it.'

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No, you mean over MY dead body!

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We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting -- they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.

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I was in the bank the other day. I was on line for about 45 minutes. I got bored. So, the guy standing in front of me -- I just punched him in the back of the head. I said, 'I'm sorry. I thought I knew you.'

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I especially hate people that have life-after-death experiences because they're just so full of it, you know? 'Oh, I had an accident, and then I was headed towards this bright white light.' You know, the first thing an ambulance crew does when they find an unconscious victim? They shine something in your eye.

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When I was in junior high, we moved to the suburbs to a neighborhood that was not very tough at all. Even our school bully was only passive-aggressive. He wouldn't take your lunch; he'd just go, 'You're gonna eat all that?'

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What is funnier than a реnguin falling down a hill?
The реnguin that pushed him.

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Grandma says to grandson : I rememeber what your grandpa's last words were before he was hit by a bus, they were "Oh Fuск A Bus!"

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