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I think we know when they're happy; we know when they're crying; we know when they're рissеd off. We have no idea what order those are gonna come at us. That's why we don't allow women in combat -- 'cause they'd win.

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Person 1: Hey, u wanna hear a joke?
Person 2: Yeah sure!!
Person 1: Your life.
*work best through text. Kickass for more.

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The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable. So I stabbed him.

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I like a sport where someone's getting injured. Of course, I watch presidential speeches just in case there's a sniреr.

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I got a cousin who's a psychotic with low self-esteem. He only wants to assassinate the vice president.

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Why didn't the blind man go home? Cause he fell off a cliff.

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How many kittens does it take to paint the wall red?
One just throw it really hard.

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I got in this elevator earlier, and I ended up standing next to this woman who smelled just like my ex-girlfriend, the same perfume or something. It's neat how an aroma can make you think of something else. So, I'm strangling this woman....

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I don't understand how some of you women can be abused by a man with a Jheri curl. That don't make no sense, man. All you gotta do is carry a lighter.

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Q:What is wrong with the government?
A:Everything

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I didn't know angels could fly so low.

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I've never hit my mother. I tried to hit my mother once. She looked at me and said, 'If you ever hit me, that'll be the last thing you ever do.' And I knew she was dead serious just by the way she cocked that gun to my head.

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A man lives in a highrise on the 15th floor. Every morning, on the way to work, he takes the elevator all the way down to the 1st floor. But when he comes home, he takes the elevator to the 8th floor and walks the rest of the way up. The only exception is when it's raining. Why?
The man's a мidgет, and can't reach the buttons. When it's raining, he has his umbrella with him, so he can reach the 15 button with it.

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Teacher:
"Bob has 36 candies, he ate 29 of them. How many candies does bob have left? Student:
"Diabetes, Bob has diabetes"

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Do you want to see a funny joke?
Just look in the mirror.
Kickass = You're a chill guy.
Lame = You're a triggered insecure loser.

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When the teacher told us to take a break I said can I take a break from school

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Press kicksss if you come here everyday to check how many votes you got.

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Fun fact: Did you know that if all the veins in your body were lined up one after the other, you'd die?

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