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Why did Sally miss school
Her mom died

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I chose the tuba based on this theory: if you're not cool enough to be a cheerleader, make sure you're carrying something big enough to knock one on her аss.

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These freeways are terrible, aren't they? I was on there the other day -- they just put in a drive-by shooting lane.

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There were two bears a black one and a brown one. They hated each other. One day a fairy came and gave both 3 wishes. They both asked for fame and family. The brown one asked for a million thousand dollars, and the black bear asked for the brown bear to die. He got his wish

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My first marriage ended in irreconcilable differences: attempted мurdеr. I took 'till death do us part too seriously there.

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Your specific reality depends on where your people come from, right? For example, Mexicans get shot trying to get into this country, Cubans get shot trying to get out of their own country, Puerto Ricans get shot just for trying to have a country.

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Rap music is violent, man. Rappers getting killed left and right: Tupac, Notorious B. I. G. What's going on, man? They're killing the best rappers. I got news for you -- Vanilla Ice is still alive. I got his beeper number. Come on, Ice Cube, let's form a lynch mob and get his аss!

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Teacher: we are all writing poems today! emo: roses are black
Violets are black
My soul is black
Im going to кill myself

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Why do orphans only like to play tennis?
It's the only place they get love

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A friend of mine just died. He was 84 years old, died broke. At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless.' I don't know -- to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hеll of a budget.

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A guy was driving his truck along the interstate, when he admitted to his wife that he had sсrеwеd around on her. She proceeded to cut his реnis off with a hunting knife, and throw it out the window.
The реnis whizzed through the air and landed momentarily with a "SPLAT" on the windshield of the car behind, before sliding off. The little girl who was riding with her father yelled, "Daddy! Ew, what was that? I'm scared."
Her father said,
"Don't worry honey, it was only a bug."
His daughter said,
"Wow, that bug really had a huge d**k!"

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I wouldn't go to school. I thought all the kids at school were going to beat me up, which is absurd. They couldn't all beat me up -- someone had to hold me down.

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This one dude in Michigan stabbed a lady in the head 17 times with a spoon. G**dамn, do you know how mad you've got to be at somebody to кill them with a spoon? Now with a spork you can mess somebody up, but a spoon?

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What Can A Соw Do That A Woman Can't?
Stand Up To Her Тiтs In Water Without Getting Her Fаnny Wet!

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All he has to do is take that machine, hook it up to the Clapper, and let those people clap themselves to death. They clap on, but they don't clap off.

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I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

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You have to field some tough questions when you're a parent, though. My kids came back from visiting my grandmother recently, and they're like, 'Dad, does Nana really have to die?' I'm like, 'Well, she did commit a capital сriме. Those are the rules.'

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We're not lazy? We invented the drive-by shooting, ladies and gentlemen. We don't have the common decency to beat someone with a stick or our bare hands. We're gonna shoot them -- but guess what? We're not even gonna get out of the car and do it, for God's sake. We're not even gonna stop the car.

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