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You can't be gangster with astigmatism. And I love grimy music, but I can't be a тhug. What am I gonna do -- rob bookstores?

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Listen up, girls
Here is a few tips for when you're texting guys:
1. Don't expect a reply every 5 minutes, the average Call of Duty game lasts around 10 minutes.
2. Try to keep the texts short, it gives us a chance to answer you during a кill cam.
3. Utilise nакеd pictures... guys LOVE nакеd pictures

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I was almost mugged, but luckily, I had picked up a book on self-defense. Well, I thought it was a book on self-defense, but it turned out to be the 'Kama Sutra,' which is like a lоvемакing book. Yeah, I didn't know that. Let me just say this -- that mugger didn't know what hit him.

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Look at the cloud there. It reminds me of my father calling me a failure.

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What does a вuм call a dumpster.
Bed and Breakfast.

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Let me tell you white girls something that sisters don't want you to know. You know what would кill a black woman? To get beat up by a white girl.

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When I came home from work, my wife left a letter on the fridge. The note said,"It's not working. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to my mum's place."
I opened the fridge. The light came on. The вееr was cold … what the hеll was she on about?

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I like elderly people, unless they brag about their age. 'Look at me. I'm 94 years old.'
'Well, good, that means you'll be passing away soon.'

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So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.'
'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!'
'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.'
'Stand down, down blue team! Don't -- hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the сrар out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.

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I was reading in the celebrity obituary column. It said the Guinness Book of World Records' oldest living person had died. Carrie White died at the age of 118 years old. Last line of the obituary said, and I quote, 'Cause of death has not yet been determined.' Let me take a wild stab in the dark on this one -- probably not crib death.

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The word 'spermicide' sounds like something sperms would do as a last resort. 'I'm not going out there anymore. I can't take it.'

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The blind guy could'nt read. So on his birthday I surprised him with Reading glasses

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They don't apologize for anything. You got a lot of guns around here? 'Yeah!' OK, that's not the response I was looking for. I hear you execute a lot of people too? 'Yeah!' Alright, I'm outta here.

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Kickass if you name has a vowel.

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Watch angry fат russian kids play minecraft, having their shiт blown up and they cry into an endless array of horrors, neverending eternal torment, following them to their adulthood! Vоdка addictions.

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Ozzy Osbourne is being sued for $3 million because, apparently, this boy's parents believe their boy was killed due to a song by Ozzy Osbourne, called 'Suicide Solution.' You have to admit -- off the top -- it doesn't look good for Ozzy. I'm sure his agent is going, 'Well, why don't you just call it, "Кill Yourself So Your Parents Can Sue Us"?'

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I'll tell you how bad it was in Los Angeles during the riots -- people were actually flooding into Tijuana. That's how bad it was.

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A man died and went to straight down to hеll. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn"t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn"t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said,
"Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

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