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The word 'spermicide' sounds like something sperms would do as a last resort. 'I'm not going out there anymore. I can't take it.'

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The blind guy could'nt read. So on his birthday I surprised him with Reading glasses

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I'm not saying it's right. I'm just saying, every night millions of people go to bed hungry, and every day we bury perfectly good cuts of meat.

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Kickass if you name has a vowel.

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Watch angry fат russian kids play minecraft, having their shiт blown up and they cry into an endless array of horrors, neverending eternal torment, following them to their adulthood! Vоdка addictions.

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Ozzy Osbourne is being sued for $3 million because, apparently, this boy's parents believe their boy was killed due to a song by Ozzy Osbourne, called 'Suicide Solution.' You have to admit -- off the top -- it doesn't look good for Ozzy. I'm sure his agent is going, 'Well, why don't you just call it, "Кill Yourself So Your Parents Can Sue Us"?'

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I'll tell you how bad it was in Los Angeles during the riots -- people were actually flooding into Tijuana. That's how bad it was.

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A man died and went to straight down to hеll. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn"t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn"t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said,
"Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

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A lot of guys have nicknames for their penises, and I was recently given a nickname for mine from a woman while she was giving me оrаl sеx. She named it The Inhaler. At least, that's what I thought she was naming it. It turns out she was asthmatic, and it's my fault she died.

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You ever hear people saying things like that? 'He died, but he died doing something he loved.' Like that's the best time to die, when you're doing something you love? No, you want to die when you're doing something you hate. I mean, if you're going to take me, take me in the middle of an audit.

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Brace yourselves. ~ Guy from the future

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What's the worst part of winning the Special Olympics? You're still retarded

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Roses are red,
Bacon is red too,
Rhyming is hard,
Bacon!!!

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We were flying into San Francisco. There was a lot of turbulence; everybody started freaking out. The pilot was cool. He handled it beautifully:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. It appears we're going to be about, oh, four or five miles short on our approach into San Francisco this morning. We've asked the stewardesses to go ahead and cancel some of those car reservations for you. Please feel free to get up and move around the cabin, or smoke. I don't think it makes much difference at this point. You people on the right are going to get a real nice view of the bay coming up there pretty quick. People on the left are going to get a pretty good view of the people on the right. By the way, for you swimmers on board, the water temperature is a brisk 63 degrees. Those of you who don't swim, thanks for flying the United way.'

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Why did the dead baby cry?
It didn't, it was dead.

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Jake: go suск a your diск :dan o i would love to see your point of view but i cant put my face that
Far down my pants

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The thing I despise about Biggie fans is when they're like, 'Oh man, Biggie was so prolific. 'Cause he knew he was going to die an early death and he rapped about it in his rhymes.' To me, it doesn't take that much imagination to predict an early death when you are a gangster rapper and everyone in your crew carries a submachine gun. That's basic probability; I don't know if you've taken statistics.

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When you're in California and you think about New York, right off you think about the mob. Right? You think about the mob. And when the mob wants to take somebody out, they take that guy out -- that's it. Nothing to it: organized сriме. In South Central, we got unorganized сriме. 'Did you get him?'
'I got somebody....'

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