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A lot of guys have nicknames for their penises, and I was recently given a nickname for mine from a woman while she was giving me оrаl sеx. She named it The Inhaler. At least, that's what I thought she was naming it. It turns out she was asthmatic, and it's my fault she died.

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You ever hear people saying things like that? 'He died, but he died doing something he loved.' Like that's the best time to die, when you're doing something you love? No, you want to die when you're doing something you hate. I mean, if you're going to take me, take me in the middle of an audit.

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Brace yourselves. ~ Guy from the future

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Why do we need School?
Music: we have YOUTUBE for that
Sport: There's wii
Spanish: There's Dora
English: everything's shortened anyway (LOL,BRB,IDK)
Maths: that's why we have calculators
Geography: I'll buy a globe
History: they're all dead anyway

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Roses are red,
Bacon is red too,
Rhyming is hard,
Bacon!!!

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We were flying into San Francisco. There was a lot of turbulence; everybody started freaking out. The pilot was cool. He handled it beautifully:
'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. It appears we're going to be about, oh, four or five miles short on our approach into San Francisco this morning. We've asked the stewardesses to go ahead and cancel some of those car reservations for you. Please feel free to get up and move around the cabin, or smoke. I don't think it makes much difference at this point. You people on the right are going to get a real nice view of the bay coming up there pretty quick. People on the left are going to get a pretty good view of the people on the right. By the way, for you swimmers on board, the water temperature is a brisk 63 degrees. Those of you who don't swim, thanks for flying the United way.'

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Why did the dead baby cry?
It didn't, it was dead.

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Jake: go suск a your diск :dan o i would love to see your point of view but i cant put my face that
Far down my pants

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The thing I despise about Biggie fans is when they're like, 'Oh man, Biggie was so prolific. 'Cause he knew he was going to die an early death and he rapped about it in his rhymes.' To me, it doesn't take that much imagination to predict an early death when you are a gangster rapper and everyone in your crew carries a submachine gun. That's basic probability; I don't know if you've taken statistics.

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When you're in California and you think about New York, right off you think about the mob. Right? You think about the mob. And when the mob wants to take somebody out, they take that guy out -- that's it. Nothing to it: organized сriме. In South Central, we got unorganized сriме. 'Did you get him?'
'I got somebody....'

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I tell people, 'Yeah, I'm from Chicago -- what's up?'
'Gasp! What street gang were you in?' I'm like, 'What the hеll make you think I got that kind of dedication and team spirit?'

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You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

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Go to L. A. -- they got gangbangers that will stab you, and then go to the corner and wait for the light to turn green.

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Hey роор you pooped your pants KICKASS if you get it

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We have a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Why'd we put them together? I called them up. 'Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.' I said, 'Yeah, what bourbon goes with an M-16?'

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What's big, white and would кill you if it fell out of a tree?
A fridge

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Ladies, that's why it's hard for us to find a man: we're too emotional. We're too emotional. We're the only species that would shoot our man six times, and we would go to his funeral and be like, 'Why! Why'd he make me shoot him?'

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If I'm making millions to put a ball through a hoop, you can't ever рiss me off.

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