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I tell people, 'Yeah, I'm from Chicago -- what's up?'
'Gasp! What street gang were you in?' I'm like, 'What the hеll make you think I got that kind of dedication and team spirit?'

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You know what's weird about plane crashes is that you watch it on the news and they say the people have to be identified by their dental records. 'Cause if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

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If my dad could see me up here now he'd be very impressed. But you know, I'm sure wherever my dad is now, he would be looking down on us. He's not dead just very condescending.

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Hey роор you pooped your pants KICKASS if you get it

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We have a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Why'd we put them together? I called them up. 'Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.' I said, 'Yeah, what bourbon goes with an M-16?'

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What's big, white and would кill you if it fell out of a tree?
A fridge

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Ladies, that's why it's hard for us to find a man: we're too emotional. We're too emotional. We're the only species that would shoot our man six times, and we would go to his funeral and be like, 'Why! Why'd he make me shoot him?'

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If I'm making millions to put a ball through a hoop, you can't ever рiss me off.

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Q. what is the name of kickass's brother
A. Jackass

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I nominate everybody on the titanic for a ice bucket water challenge!!!

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Whats Big Wet And Green That Is Nocturnal.
- I Dont Know.
- Thats Why Im Asking

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Kickass for kickass humor, the world's best joke website

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I had a kid who threatened to кill me one year because I gave him an F. Another teacher caught one of my students writing 'Кill Mr. Vallee' in his weekly planner in the section labeled 'Weekly Goals and Objectives.' And the school was freakin' out. They didn't know what to do about it. They kept asking me if I felt threatened, and I'm like, 'Why? This kid hasn't met any goals in his objectives all year.'

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At a live orchestra, and lightening strikes, who gets hit first?
The Conductor

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If you expect a kick in the ваlls and you get a slap in the face, then it's a victory.

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I moved here about 13 years ago from Seattle, Washington. I left a city that has a high suicide rate for a city that has a high homicide rate. I guess I'm just not a 'do-it-yourself' kind of person.

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It's cool to be back in Cleveland. I lived in L. A. for eight years. I can't tell you how cool it is to be able to go to the bank and make a deposit without body armor on.

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There is a blind kid in his room and his mother walks in to give him his soup.
Mom: If you drop that soup you will see whats coming.
Blind kid: *drops soup* Mom its not working.

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