Dating jokes, Online dating jokes

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I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them

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A young unmarried man goes onto a dating website to find the perfect woman. He enters his details and describes what he is looking for:
“I want a genuine companion. She should be small and cute, should like aquatic sports and should enjoy group activities.”
He clicks on ‘Send’ and immediately gets a response:
“Marry a fсuкing реnguin.”

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Got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. “Wow!”, I said, “I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!” She giggled and said she was sure I’d meet the challenge! “Yeah”, I said, “just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistband that’s a few inches wider these days!” She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute! “Anyway, I’ve put on a couple of pounds myself!” she giggled ….. So I told her to fuск off.

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What is almost guaranteed to bring her back for more?
It’s called the Australian Kiss.
You kiss the lips that are “Down Under.”
Also known as the Farmer’s Kiss, as you plow the groove with your tongue.

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I slipped some rohypnol into my girlfriends drink last night.
It was the best six hours of my life. I finally got to play my PS4 without being interrupted

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When I broke up with my girlfriend she started crying and said I was a self-centred ваsтаrd.
You should’ve seen the look on my face.

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My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure
I say this because just like treasure, you’ll probably need a map and a shovel to find her

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The girlfriend and I had our first shower together today.
She could see I was a little nervous so said “Relax, just do what you normally do.”
So I had a рiss.

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I always try and date homeless girls.
It’s easier to get them to stay over.

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A boy takes a girl into his bedroom, he pulls down his pants, winks and says,
“I’d like you to meet my little brother.”
The girl picks up her bag, turns to leave, and says,
“Call me when he fuскing grows up”

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Here’s a tip for you:
When you start going out with someone, just after they go to sleep at night, put a nicotine patch on their arm. Then, just before they wake up in the morning, take it off again.
This way, if they ever leave you, they’ll get withdrawal symptoms, think it’s love, and come back.

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What’s the best way to cure erectile dysfunction?
Get yourself a hotter girlfriend.

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My ex-girlfriend often told me to stop being so competitive.
Like I was ever going to let her come first.

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Yesterday I was introduced to a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger…. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

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I’ve been playing online poker for about a year now. Last night my girlfriend told me it’s either poker or her.
I think she’s bluffing.

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I recently broke up with a girl. She wasn’t very happy about this and to show how sad she was she wrote this as her Facebook status:
“What’s Mickey without Minnie, What’s Tigger without Pooh, What’s Patrick without Spongebob, What’s me without U???”
So I commented:
“That would make you a Fcking Stpid Dmped Cnt”

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I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don’t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc’d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a роrn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fuскеd the pizza guy.

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