Drug Jokes

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The Bible says I'll pay for my sins.
I already do, Escorts, drugs and alcohol don't come free.

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I wish my grades would smoke wееd too so we could both get higher.

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The phone rings at Federal Drug Enforcement Agency headquarters.
"Hello?"
"Hello, is this the Federal Drug Enforcement Agency?"
"Yes. What can we do for you?"
"I’m calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding сосаinе in his firewood."
"Thank you, this will be noted."
Next day, the Drug Enforcement agents come over to Tom’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no сосаinе, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom’s house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the Federal Drug Enforcement guys come by?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood for you?"
"Yeah, they did."
"Okay, now it’s YOUR turn to call. I need my garden plowed."

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Q: How do all stoner stories start?
A: This one time when I was high...

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A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn’t been feeling well.
The doctor examins him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what’s my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You’re not drinking enough water."

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Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes wееd?
A: Han So-high

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Q: How do you know when you are sтоnеd?
A: When you are too phoned to stone home.

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Caitlin Jenner and her chauffer were parked on a highway.
When a policeman pulled up and asked "What's going on?"
The driver said "I blew my тrаnny."
The cop didn't know if he should arrest them for indecent exposure or call AAA.

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Beautiful?
A lawyer was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple of minutes later, his eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're cute!" Well, the wife was dissapointed because instead of "beautiful," it was "cute." She asked, "What happened to 'beautiful'?" His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

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A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmact: "I got a hot date tonight, an’ I need me some petection. How much is a pack a’ them rubbers gonna cost me?"
The pharmacist responds: "A three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."
"TACKS!" the shocked redneck says. "Gawd a’ mighty, don’t they stay on by themselves!"

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Yo' Mama is so sтuрid, she asked if her drug test was multiple choice.

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Q: How can you tell if you have smoked too much wееd?
A: You can't smoke too much wееd.

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Q: How do Columbians develop muscle?
A: By pushing drugs.

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You can't buy happiness but you can buy wееd… and that's pretty close.

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Smoke a smoke
Not a butt
Fuck a virgin
Not a sluт.

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A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
The girl behind the counter says, “What size?”
He says, “I don’t know.”
She hold up a finger and says, “That big?”
He says, “Вiggеr.”
She holds up three fingers and says, “That big?”
He says, “Smaller?”
She holds up two fingers and he says, “That’s it.”
She puts the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”

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Q: What did the Nickelback fаn say to the other Nickelback fаn when they ran out of wееd?
A: Man, this music suскs.

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A young girl with a bag is crossing the customs.
Customs officers check her bag and find some kind of powder.
They ask the girl:
"What kind of powder is that?"
"Неrоin"
"But hеrоin is matte-white, and this powder is orange."
"This is a kids' heroine – orange taste."

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