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A patient runs out of the operation room, screaming.
A doctor stops him and asks:
“Mr. Ainsley! What on Earth is happening?! Why are you running?!”
The patient breathes heavily:
“I was about to be operated on, doctor. And then the nurse said: ‘Come now, stop panicking. You’ll manage just fine!’”
The doctor shrugs:
“Oh but that’s nice, no? Nurse being supportive to you?”
The patient gets angry:
“She was talking to the surgeon!”

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Magic is awesome. Do you know the name of the magical stick that makes men disappear?
The pregnancy stick.

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My grandpa returned from the war with one leg.
He never said to whom it belonged.

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I met a microbiologist the other day.
He was much вiggеr than I expected.

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Dentist:
“Oh Lord, I’ve never seen such a huge cavity.
- Cavity.”
Patient:
“Yeah, you don’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist:
“I didn’t. It was an echo.”

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If you’re ever lost in the nature, you’ll do well to
Have a compass.
It will help you to be lost more north.

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A guy goes to the doctor, “Do you have something
Against a persistent hiccup?”
The doctor gives him a huge slap in the face and says, “Yes. Sorry. This
Is the best treatment.”
The guy holds his cheek and says, “OK, it’s actually my wife who’s got
The issue!

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Is this lactose free?
Yes.
Vegan?
Yes.
No gluten?
None.
Fat free?
Yes, dаммiт it! It’s just water!
With or without gas?
[Sounds of struggle]

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My wife dared doubt my craftsmanship when I was
Changing the light switch. Haha, she’s in for a shock.

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Two skeletons decide to take a vacation in Mexico.
On the way there, one of the skeletons gasps, “Oh no, we have to go
Back! I forgot my tombstone!”
The other skeleton looks at him, “Why would you need your tombstone in
Mexico?”
“Well,” replies the first skeleton, “and how do you plan to cross the
Border without an ID?”

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Woman says, “Oh John! I am so sorry... I really want
To be married before I sleep with someone.”
John nods calmly, “I totally understand that, Margaret. Just call me
When you’re married.”

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Anita meets her friend Tanya after a long time and
They chat a bit, when Anita asks, “And are you still engaged to Rowley?”
“No, not for a long time,” smiles Tanya.
“Oh thank goodness for that, what a jеrк that guy was! I never got the
Courage to tell you, but I’m pretty certain he was cheating on you with
Greta and Louise!”
“Um…” Tanya continues, “yeah… we got married three years ago.“

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A guy finds an old bottle and rubs it – and suddenly
A genie pops out and announces, “You have 3 wishes, speak your first.”
The guy says, “Hm, I had a very bad encounter with a lawyer last week,
That son of a goat fleeced me like a sheep. Therefore, as my first wish,
I want a world without lawyers!
My second wish is that you make me the richest man in the world. And my
Third…”
The genie interrupts him, “Sorry, sayidi, but you have no more wishes
Left.”
“What?!” exclaims the guy, “but you said I get 3 wishes!”
“Well,” smirks the genie, “sue me.”

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A woman has a date she’s very much looking forward
To. She put on her best dress, spent an hour on make-up and chose the
Least comfortable but fanciest shoes she possesses. And of course spent
Ages getting herself all waxed and toned and scrubbed.
She’s all ready – but her date is nowhere to be seen, although its
Already time. She waits and waits – nothing.
After about an hour she’s had enough. She takes it all off, wraps
Herself up in her fluffiest pyjamas and bathrobe, makes a mug of cocoa,
Takes a рот of ice cream and sits grumpily in front of some comfort TV.
One hour later, the doorbell goes off – and there’s her date! He looks
At her quickly and says, “My God, Andrea, seriously? I’m 2 hours late
And you’re still not ready?!”

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Man to his priest:
“Yesterday I sinned with an 18
Year old girl.”
The priest:
“Squeeze 18 lemons and drink the juice all at once.”
Man:
“And that frees me from my sin?”
Priest:
“No, but it frees your face from that dirтy grin.”

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A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly
In the bedroom.
To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under
The blanket.
Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until
All movement stops.
After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on
The sofa. He turns to her half asleep:
"Oh, you're home, darling. I'm
Afraid we have to sleep here tonight, my parents came for a surprise
Visit."

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Nothing and no-one can stop me now! Oh no... a
Childlock!!!

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A ship has been badly damaged in a storm and things
Don’t look good.
The crew assembles on the deck and the captain shouts over the howling
Wind, “Men, it’s bad. The helm is broken off, we have three huge holes,
I really don’t see this beauty making it to the shore. Is there anyone
Among you who knows how to pray?”
Paul steps up and says, “I can, and I will, captain!”
“Excellent, you do that,” shouts the captain. “Now the rest of you put
On your life jackets, we were missing one.”

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