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An American calls his Russian friend, “Ilya, I just saw on TV that you have this horrible cold wave, are you OK?”
Ilya replies, “Yeah, sure, we’re fine, it’s not that cold…”
American:
“But they said you have like -40 F over there!”
Ilya:
“Nah, it’s more like 5, that’s normal for a winter.”
American:
“Are you sure? They were showing totally frozen trees, roads covered in ice…”
Ilya:
“Ah I get it! You mean outside!!”
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A bored customs officer at a border asks a driver, “Cigarettes, drugs, alcohol?”
The driver is confused, “Er… coffee, please?”
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Has anybody noticed how we’ve replaced the doffing of the hat with taking out the earbuds when we meet someone?
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I wonder, is there a Christian rock band called AC/BC?
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I dated a tennis player but I’ll never make such a mistake again.
Love has zero meaning to them.
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A Russian military team is flying towards Chechnya at the height of the conflict.
The team leader is instructing his men, "Guys, for every Chechnian head you'll get a bottle of vоdка!"
The plane lands, soldiers burst out of the doors without waiting for anything else and come back in a few minutes, each dragging a few heads.
The leader is awaiting them all pale and sweaty:
"Guys, this was just a layover in Kyev!"
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How many bears do you need to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but you’ll need a lot of lightbulbs before he learns how to do it.
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How many Irish people do you need to change a lightbulb?
Five. One holds the lightbulb and the three are drinking heavily until the room starts going round and round.“
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So how was summer in Alaska?”
“Can’t tell you, really, I was drunк on both days.”
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My husband came home from work today and asked why it’s not tidy when I’ve been home the whole day.
I asked him how come we’re not rich when he’s been at work the whole day.
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Grandpa’s last words will stay with me forever:
“Quit rattlin’ the ladder ya little hooligan!”
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I tried one of those organic
Deodorant stick. It said in the instructions:
1. Remove the cap
2. Push thumb up the bottom part for application.
It is very difficult to sit but my farts smell very nice now.
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That awkward moment when you whisper in your boyfriend's ear that you want to feel him inside you and he sticks his finger in your nose.
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Feeling adventurous? Go to a Walmart changing room and after five minutes start asking loudly where they keep the toilet paper!
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I saw an ad recently: LASER HAIR REMOVAL. But come on, if you had laser hair, would you really want to remove them? No, you’d be starting world dомinатiоn!
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Patient to his doctor:
“Doctor, please help me. I think I’m a moth.”
The doctor says:
“I’m sorry, but I’m not your guy. You have to go see a psychiatrist.”
The patient sighs:
“I wanted to. But the light in your office is so much brighter!”
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Two hunters are comparing their stories. One says, “I once shot a wild boar so big they had to come get it with a tractor!”
The other scoffs, “Ha, I once shot a bird so big, 357 people got out of it when it hit the ground.”
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A patient runs out of the operation room, screaming.
A doctor stops him and asks:
“Mr. Ainsley! What on Earth is happening?! Why are you running?!”
The patient breathes heavily:
“I was about to be operated on, doctor. And then the nurse said: ‘Come now, stop panicking. You’ll manage just fine!’”
The doctor shrugs:
“Oh but that’s nice, no? Nurse being supportive to you?”
The patient gets angry:
“She was talking to the surgeon!”
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