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Good jokes

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The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed, for years,
It was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do
Something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your
Horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”
The husband only made fun of this feeling very macho.
Until one Christmas day the wife was gutting a turkey for Christmas
Dinner and had an idea… She took the intestines out and placed them
Quietly in her sleeping husband’s bed, under the covers.
She couldn’t wait for the husband to wake up – and sure enough, in about
One hour, Trevor, all white and shaky, came down the stairs:
“Mary, by
Golly you were right! That horrible farting did force my guts out! But
With the help of our Lord and these two fingers, I set everything right
Again!”
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You really can't trust anything these days. At a bar,
I opened a door which said Men – and all there was were a few toilets.
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A mother thinks there’s something strange going on
And eventually decides to take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her
Husband at all.
Wife:
"Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk
About. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband:
"Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving
The hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change
The baby, I’ll wait here.’”
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Doctor: Your test results are showing you'll easily
Live to be 80.
Patient: But, wait, I am 80 just now.
Doctor: See, I told you to live healthier!
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My little daughter came to me all excited, saying,
“Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t
Say where she got them.
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The doctor says to his patient at the end of a
Checkup, “OK, let’s do a stress tolerance test. Nurse, the bill please.”
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There are only two instances when people hate the
Alarm clock:
1) When it rings;
2) When it doesn’t ring.
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I just read my horoscope for tomorrow:
“Everybody
Will praise you enormously, they’ll be bringing you flowers, even
Carrying you on their shoulders.”
Is it just me or does it sound suspiciously like a funeral…
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After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a
Great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gаy. I’m going to make tons of
Chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when
They haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I’ll get their boyfriends!
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Won Доктор към пациент: Arzt :"Schön, dass Sie wieder wach sind. Sie müssen jetzt sehr tapfer sein, ich habe eine gute und eine schlechte Nachricht für Sie. Welche möchten Sie zuerst hören?" O médico chega para o paciente: — Eu tenho duas notícias para lhe dar, uma boa e outra ruim! — Qual é a ruim? — Vamos ter que lhe amputar as duas pernas. — Ai, meu Deus! Qual é a boa? — Tem um enfermeiro do turno da noite que está querendo comprar os seus sapatos! Un señor ingresa en el hospital para operarse de las piernas. Cuando despierta de la anestesia, viene el cirujano y le dice: –Tengo dos noticias que darle, una es buena y la otra me temo que es... C Après un accident, le docteur dit à la victime : - Monsieur, j Un type arrive aux urgences après un accident de voiture. Quand il se réveille, le chirurgien est à son chevet et lui dit : - J Przychodzi lekarz do pacjenta i mówi : - Mam dwie wiadomości dobrą i złą. Którą pierwszą? - Złą. Musimy panu amputować obie nogi. - A dobra? - Sąsiad z łóżka obok chce kupić pana kapcie. Lekarz przychodzi do pacjenta po ciężkim wypadku: - Mam dla Pana dobra i złą nowinę. Którą pierwszą? - Niech będzie zła - odpowiada pacjent. - Musimy amputować Panu obie nogi. - A ta dobra? -... Manden vågner op på hospitalet. Lægen siger, jeg har en god og en dårlig nyhed, hvilken en vil du have først. Stik mig den dårlige, siger manden. Den dårlige er, at vi var nødt til at amputere... Lægen kommer ind til patienten: "Jeg har en god og en dårlig nyhed." "Giv mig den dårlige først!", siger patienten. "Vi kom til at fjerne det forkerte ben." "Hvad er den gode nyhed så?", siger... Er licht een jongen in een ziekenhuis de dokter zegt ik heb goed en slecht nieuws het slechte nieuws is je benen moeten eraf. Het jongetje barst in tranen uit maar er is ook goed nieuws zegt de... Un autostopist scotian, victima a unui grav accident Rutier, isi revine in spital. - Am doua vesti a va spune, ii transmite sora. Una buna si Alta proasta. - Intii cea proasta, te rog. - O sa vi se... O médico diz para o paciente : — Eu tenho duas noticias para você, uma boa e uma ruim, qual você quer ouvir primeiro? — Comece com a pior... — Tudo bem, você teve as duas pernas que não sentia... Läkaren till patienten: - Jag har en bra och en dålig nyhet. - Vilken är den dåliga nyheten? - Att vi måste amputera ditt ben. - Vilken är den goda nyheten? - Att jag kan tänka mej att köpa dina... O médico chegou para o paciente e disse: — Eu tenho uma boa e uma péssima notícia pra te dar... — Vai doutor, me da a má noticia primeiro! — Tivemos que amputar, suas duas pernas. — E a boa notícia... Sagt der Arzt zum Patienten: "Welche Nachricht möchten Sie zuerst hören: die Gute oder die Schlecht? "Die Schlechte, bitte", antwortet der Patient. Sagt der Arzt: "Ich habe Ihnen leider den... Der Doktor zum Patient: "Ich habe eine gute und eine schlechte Nachricht für Sie. Welche möchten Sie zuerst hören?" - "Tja, die Schlechte!" Der Doktor: "Wir müssen ihnen leider beide Beine... Sairaalassa leikkauksen jälkeen lääkäri sanoo potilaalle. - Meillä oli väärä potilaskortti ja nyt ois hyviä ja huonoja uutisia. Kumman haluutte ensiksi? - No, jos ne huonot nyt sitten ensin. -...
A doctor tells a patient:
“I’ve a good and a bad news For you. Which do you want to hear first?”
Patient:
“Oh no. The bad one, please.”
Doctor:
“It appears I amputated the wrong foot, sorry.”
Patient:
“And the good one?” asks the shaken patient.
Doctor grins:
“There’s a guy who’s very interested in buying your Shoes!”
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Doctor to a patient:
"I have good and bad news for
You. Which one would you like to hear first?"
"The good one please."
"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to
Live."
"And the bad one?"
"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."
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I read in the newspaper that they can train dogs now
To smell terminal illnesses in people. Imagine going for a walk with a
Dog like that!
“What a lovely dog, he seems to like me!”
“Oh, I’m deeply sorry.”
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Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really
Cold winter morning: Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies:
“Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the
Edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a
Hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back:
“Oh no, I think the laptop is now
Totally gone.”
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A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of
Chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says:
“Eating
So much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies:
“My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks:
“You think he became so old because he was eating lots of
Chocolate?”
The boy answers:
“He became so old because he minded his own business.”
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Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where
She was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have
Switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned
Toothbrush!”
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The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a
Carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,”
Apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just
Think it was the horse!”
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A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his Company for embezzlement of many millions.
At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him:
„Don’t Worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he Didn’t have a penny anymore.
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Майка - акула инструктира малкото си акулче как се лови човек: Учела значи старата, премъдра акула малкото акулче: Голямата акула към малката: Haifisch-Papa und Haifisch-Sohn unterhalten sich: A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans. Мама-акула учит акулёнка правильно есть людей: Ανέκδοτο Τοπ: Μπαμπάς καρχαρίας προς γιό… Маленький акуленок говорит маме: Ο μπαμπάς καρχαρίας εκπαιδεύει τον νεαρό καρχαρία Dois enormes tubarões brancos observam os sobreviventes de um naufrágio. — Siga-me, filho. — diz o tubarão pai para o filho. E nadam até os náufragos. — Primeiro vamos nadar em volta deles com apenas a ponta das nossas barbatanas aparecendo fora da água. E assim eles fizeram. — Muito bem, meu... Vater und Sohn Hai drehen ihre Runden um ein paar Schwimmer. Sagt Sohn Hai: "Wann fressen wir die"? Vater Hai: "Noch eine Runde, wenn sie sich ausgeschissen haben, schmecken sie besser!" Twee grote witte haaien zwemmen in de oceaan en spotten twee overlevenden van een gezonken schip. "Volg me zoon," zegt de vader haai terwijl ze naar de mensen toe zwemmen. "Goed gedaan zoon! Nu...
A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers Properly.
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And Then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right Away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all That shiт in their intestines?”
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