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You really can't trust anything these days. At a bar,
I opened a door which said Men – and all there was were a few toilets.

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A mother thinks there’s something strange going on
And eventually decides to take a DNA test.
She finds out that their child is actually not related to her or her
Husband at all.
Wife:
"Darling, there’s something really important that we need to talk
About. I did a DNA test and Roger isn't our biological child."
Husband:
"Of course he isn’t, don’t you remember? We were just leaving
The hospital and the baby pooped hugely so you told me, ‘Go and change
The baby, I’ll wait here.’”

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A man goes to the lawyer:
“What is your fee?”
Lawyer says:
“1000 US dollars for 3 questions.”
Man:
“Wow - so much! Isn’t it a bit expensive?”
Lawyer:
“Yes, what is your third question

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My little daughter came to me all excited, saying,
“Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said.
She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t
Say where she got them.

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The doctor says to his patient at the end of a
Checkup, “OK, let’s do a stress tolerance test. Nurse, the bill please.”

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There are only two instances when people hate the
Alarm clock:
1) When it rings;
2) When it doesn’t ring.

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I just read my horoscope for tomorrow:
“Everybody
Will praise you enormously, they’ll be bringing you flowers, even
Carrying you on their shoulders.”
Is it just me or does it sound suspiciously like a funeral…

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After years of loneliness, I finally worked out a
Great dating strategy. I’ll pretend to be gаy. I’m going to make tons of
Chick friends, really get them to trust me, tell me everything… and when
They haven’t got an ounce of suspicion left – BOOOM!
I’ll get their boyfriends!

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A doctor tells a patient:
“I’ve a good and a bad news For you. Which do you want to hear first?”
Patient:
“Oh no. The bad one, please.”
Doctor:
“It appears I amputated the wrong foot, sorry.”
Patient:
“And the good one?” asks the shaken patient.
Doctor grins:
“There’s a guy who’s very interested in buying your Shoes!”

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Doctor to a patient:
"I have good and bad news for
You. Which one would you like to hear first?"
"The good one please."
"I found the diagnosis of your illness, it means you have two days to
Live."
"And the bad one?"
"I’ve been trying to reach you for two days."

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I read in the newspaper that they can train dogs now
To smell terminal illnesses in people. Imagine going for a walk with a
Dog like that!
“What a lovely dog, he seems to like me!”
“Oh, I’m deeply sorry.”

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“You know how it is in life. One door closes – that
Means another door opens…”
“Yeah, very nice, but you either fix that or I’m expecting a serious
Discount on that car!”

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A boy is sitting on a bus and eating one piece of
Chocolate after the other. A man sits down next to him and says:
“Eating
So much chocolate is not healthy for you boy.”
The boy replies:
“My grandfather died when he was 112 years old.”
The man asks:
“You think he became so old because he was eating lots of
Chocolate?”
The boy answers:
“He became so old because he minded his own business.”

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Petra comes back from the bathroom in a café where
She was sitting with her friend Nicole.
Nicole says, “Listen, I think your electric toothbrush must have
Switched itself on in your handbag.”
Petra replies, “But I don’t have an electric t… Oh yeah, that darned
Toothbrush!”

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The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a
Carriage through London.
Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,”
Apologizes the embarrassed Queen.
The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just
Think it was the horse!”

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A man hired a lawyer when he got sued by his Company for embezzlement of many millions.
At the beginning of the process, the lawyer kindly reassured him:
„Don’t Worry, you’ll never go to jail with that amount of money.“
And the lawyer was right. When the man did go to jail eventually, he Didn’t have a penny anymore.

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers Properly.
“So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And Then you go at them full blast and eat them.”
“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right Away?”
“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all That shiт in their intestines?”

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That awkward moment when you talk to somebody, you
Feel something wet on your face but it’s not raining.

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