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Where do fish go to chill?
At a sаndваr.

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An international football team flies on a charter jet
To their next tournament. It’s quite a long flight and they get bored
And decide, since it’s a charter flight, that they’re going to play some
Football on the plane.
After a while the captain is getting angry with all the yelling and
Bumping and sends his co-pilot to go out there and shut them up.
30 seconds later the co-pilot comes back and the plane is wonderfully
Silent.
“That’s awesome, how did you manage to calm them down this quickly?”
“It was no problem. I just said, ‘Listen, guys, the weather is lovely –
Why don’t you play outside for a while?’”

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A couple sits on a sofa. He has foot odor and she has Mouth odor. After a moment of awkward silence, she says,
“Paul, I have To tell you something.”
“No need,” Paul raises his hand,
“it’s OK. I Know you ate my socks.”

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Funny, those road signs:
"Caution - Watch for Children!" I mean, how dangerous can a child be?

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Waiter? I’m sorry, but I cannot eat all this.
Would you be so kind and pack it for me? To take away?
But sir, this is a buffet.
Pack it up I said!“

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I just like to sleep without clothes on. The air-hostess could have been a bit more understanding.

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Astronaut's last words: ОМG guys, who farted? I have to open the window.

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I saw a poster today, somebody was asking “Have you Seen my cat?”
So I called the number and said that I didn’t. - I like to Help where I can.

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The son asks his dad, “Dad, what can I do if I want To live forever?”
Dad replies,
“All you have to do is marry.”
The son is surprised,
“And that will really make me live forever?”
Daddy replies wearily,
“No, but the wish dies.”

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My boss got really angry with me this morning. He kept shouting and cursing for at least an hour.
After a while my habits kicked in and at one point I said, “You’re right, honey.”

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Girls mostly treat me like a God. They totally forget
That I exist and only approach me when they need something.

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Two sharks are swimming along in the ocean when
They spot a windsurfer.
“Ooh, look, a snack!” cheers up the first one.
The second one nods appreciatively, “And on a nice little plate with a
Napkin, even!”

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That moment when your teacher gets very angry with you because you’ve
Been nervously clicking the ball pen, but you still have to click it one
More time to be able to write.

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Mrs. Blutwurst is to have quite a tricky operation
And is very nervous about it. Just before she gets her anesthesia, she
Grabs the surgeon by the hand, “Oh doctor, I’m so afraid!”
“Don’t you worry, Mrs. Blutwurst,“ says the doctor, “I did this
Operation 30 times already. It has to work this time.

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Would it be possible to cross an eel with an eagle?
Absolutely not. That would be eeleagle.

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Vegans believe meat eaters and butchers are gross.
But those who sell you fruits and vegetables are grocer.

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A guy goes to a doctor because he’s got a strawberry growing out of his chest. The doctor looks, examines and finally says, “Let me give you some cream to put on it.”

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Nurse to a doctor: Doctor, here’s your list of heart, liver and kidney donors. I already sorted them alphabetically.
Doctor: Excellent job. Seriously well оrgаn-ized.

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