Insults

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How to be Insulting in the Street: Find a bus stop with a waste bin attached to it. Hide a small bottle of champagne and a leg of chicken in the bottom. Wait for a queue to form at the bus stop, then go and rummage in the gutter, and finally look in the bin. Find the things you've hidden, and devour them in front of the people waiting for the bus.

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How to be Insulting in Hotels: If you have to get up early, do it with the maximum amount of noise. Run a bath loudly and sing in it.

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How to be Insulting at Christmas: Turn up the television when the carol singers arrive and turn off the lights until they go away.

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How to be Insulting in Hotels: Call room service last thing at night, when the kitchens have just been locked, and ask for a cheese sandwich and a glass of fresh milk. Make sure that you leave them untouched and conspicuous the next morning.

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How to be Insulting Abroad: Ask for local delicacies and leave them on your plate.

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How to be Insulting to Neighbors: On moving in, еrест a fence at least six feet high, with a garish finish on their side.

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How to be Insulting on the Beach: Try to find seaweed and drag this along the beach, leaving bits beside other people's places.

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How to be Insulting in Church: Pour water into the font and wash your hands in it. If you're really daring, take off your shoes and socks and cool your feet.

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How to be Insulting at Christmas: Buy crackers without any little gifts inside. If you have the time beforehand, put unpleasant little remarks and observations inside them instead. You might try to glue the paper hats together so that they tear when the guests try to open them.

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How to be Insulting in Church: If you just want to look inside the church, go in when you see the sign 'Service in Progress'. Take photographs with a bright flash-gun.

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How to be Insulting on the Beach: If there's enough sand, dig huge walls around your site and try to put your neighbors in the shade.

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How to be Insulting in Banks: Try to use one of the automatic cash dispensers, but use it incorrectly. If it's inside the bank, do this until someone is sent to help you out, or until you're asked to leave. If it's outside the bank, kick the machine and try to open it with your car keys, a penknife or your umbrella.

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How to be Insulting in Church: Arrive late for any service and arrive noisily. Forget at least one, if not both books, and try to make others stand up while you go back for the ones you need.

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How to be Insulting in Banks: When ordering travelers checks, try to get the smallest denomination available, and then take ages signing each check in front of the cashier.

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How to be Insulting in Church: Always try to be half a line ahead of the vicar, and always be as loud as you dare in the responses.

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How to be Insulting in Banks: Put your old sandwiches into the night safe pouch and complain by letter when it's returned to you empty.

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How to be Insulting Abroad: Insist on paying for everything in sterling.

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You know you're getting fат when you say you're fат in front of your friends and nobody corrects you.

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