Insults

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You look like the grinch with plastic surgery gone wrong!

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Here's the worst moment on the phone -- somebody calls you with a wrong number; then they call you back again to verify their stupidity. They should have special equipment for this: rетаrd redial.

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Friend: i have a ugly sister
Boy: i have a hot girlfriend
Friend: what do you mean
Boy: oh i thought we were talking about someone we both f*cked

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I haven't been ignoring you; I've been prioritizing you.

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I seen a white lady with yellow teeth today. She looked like a deviled egg.

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DickEEZ NUTS
Me:are what you had for breakfast!

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What would you call a woman who goes out with You? Desperate!

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Bully - You're so stupid
Me - Some babies were dropped on their heads, but you were clearly thrown to a wall

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Guy: Kid your gаy as f*ck!
Me: if I'm gаy how did I get a girlfriend before Obama got office?

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Dоuсhеваg: HA! Your girlfriend is such a b*tch.
His friend:HAHAHAHAHAHA
You: Hey, at least I have one, unlike you and your boyfriend over there.
Douchebag: I'm straight motherf*cker
You: You're about as straight a circle.

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Egotistical Guy/Girl: I'm hotter than all you b*tches!
You: If you think you're so hot, Неll's just the place for ya.

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When somebody says something you don't give a fuск about:
- Do you hear that? It's the sound of nobody caring...

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Неll is wallpapered with all your deleted selfies.

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Does your train of thought have a caboose?

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Two guys are in a waiting room together alone. There's not a sound until Guy1 decides to break the ice.
Guy1: So uh, you have any hobbies?
Guy2: Does clearing my browser history count?

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We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.

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Me: dad i got detention today.
Dad: why?
Me:the teacher pointed at stick at me and said there is an idiот at the end of this stick.
Dad: then what?
Me: i asked which end ?
Dad: that's my boy

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My wife shouted at me, “If you were half the man you were when I married you, you would have done something when that ваsтаrd in the pub insulted me.”
“Love,” I replied, “if you were half the woman you were when I married you, he probably wouldn’t have insulted you in the first place.”

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