Insults

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My wife shouted at me, “If you were half the man you were when I married you, you would have done something when that ваsтаrd in the pub insulted me.”
“Love,” I replied, “if you were half the woman you were when I married you, he probably wouldn’t have insulted you in the first place.”

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When someone says:
You:*do something embarrassing (drop something, say something sтuрid, etc.)*
Other Guy: HA! FAIL!!!
You: Nobody asked for your life story.

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I'm really trying to like baseball, but I finally figured out why I can't watch it: I have a pulse.

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An old man walks onto a bus one day. All the seats are full, so he has to stand and balance himself on his cane. The bus hits a bump and the rubber tip of his cane breaks off and he falls. Little Johnny, seated nearby, says to him, "Sir, you have to pull the rubber over the tip more carefully!" The man replies,
"If your dad had done the same, I would have a place to sit on this dамn bus!"

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Person " aww I Fuскеd up'
You " that's what your dad said when he had you"

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Don't think of yourself as an ugly person.
Think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

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For the white people, it would be like if you were going to Vermont.

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People come up to me, and they say, 'Gene, certainly comedy can't be your main source of income.'

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Guy #1: I did your mom last night.
Guy #2: Okay.
Guy #1: We cool?
Guy #2: No, we're even.

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One night, George W. Bush is tossing restlessly in his White House bed. He awakens to see George Washington standing by him Bush asks him, "George, what"s the best thing I can do to help the country?"

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Bully: I'm going to beat you up.
Nerd: How are you going to
Beat me when you can't even beat
Your meat

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I think a вiтсh is a kind of woman who would wear a mirror on the back of her skirt so you can see what kind of fool you are when she tells you to kiss her аss.

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Boy:
"Guess what I'm getting you for Christmas!"
Girl:
"What is it?"
Boy:
"You know what a yellow Lamborghini looks like?"
Girl:
"ОМG Seriously?"
Boy:
"I got you a toothbrush the same colour "

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Me: *tells joke*
Ex: *laughs*
Me: was that joke funny?
Ex: no
Me: than why did u laugh?
Ex: because I saw ur face
Me: b*tch, i'm not a mirror
Ex: ...

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Guy: What time is it?
Dickhead: Time for you to get a watch! OHHH!
Guy: time for you to get a new joke.

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B*tch atleast my virgania hasn't been used more than google!!

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2 kids were fighting a boy and a girl
The girl says"If you were my husband, I would poison your coffee"
The boy answers"If you were my wife I would drink it"

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Johnny comes back from school crying and says,
"Mommy, all the kids in the school say I have a big head."
His mother replies,
"No, you don't, Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

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