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I bought a bag of vegetarian sausages.
When I opened it, it turned out that they were just carrots.

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I saw this funny sign on the bathroom door that said, 'Bathroom out of order due to renovations. Please use floor below.' They didn't even put down paper or anything.

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I read my morning papers on the computer. It's just hard to hold the computer on the toilet 'cause I don't have a laptop.

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Now that I'm getting older I seem to be gaining a different perspective on life.
When people say "have a good one", I reply, "At my age, I just want to have one!"

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When I said b*tch in class my teacher suspended me, i don't know what they have against dogs........

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A sаdisт and a маsосhisт were locked in a room together.
In a very short while the маsосhisт began to freak out, begging "Hit me, hit me!” To which the sаdisт replied, “No"

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My girlfriend keeps going on bout the time i jokingly put superglue on her mobile phone, honestly , she just can't let it go.

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When the person you hate the most falls down, you ask the ground if its okay.

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In Britain we used to drive on the left of the road.
Now we drive on what’s left of the road.

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Two vacuum cleaners are arguing...
"You suск!"
"No, you suск!"
"You suск worse!"
"I don't suск!"
"Why not?"
"I'm not plugged in!"

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Two passengers on a ship are talking. “Can you swim?” Asks one.
“No,” says the other, “but I can shout for help in nine languages.”

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Mexican word of the day: Chicken Finger
I caught my wife cheating on me, I don't need her, Chicken Finger herself

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I thought the dryer shrank my clothes...
Turns out it was the refrigerator.

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I don't know why that's so hard to do. I think I would go through a less thorough background check if I was adopting a baby. How much information do they need to hand over the keys to a 10-year-old Geo Metro with 900,000 miles on it? I have a bicycle at home with a higher blue book value.

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For all those that got bad results in their A levels.
Providing you’re able to press the play and stop button on a CD player with good timing, you could always become a world famous DJ.

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"And if you look out to the left, you'll miss everything to the right. Remember, every choice is also a loss." - Me as a tour guide

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Kickass if you think that when a new joke comes onto the website that the creators press kickass to make people like it.

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“I hear your husband is a linguist.”
“Yes, he speaks three languages … golf, football, and baseball.

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