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There was this Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and next morning found out that she was six months pregnant.

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I hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious.

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If you could only bring one item with you during the apocolypse, what would it be?
Dora's backpack, you can pull out a helicopter out of that thing!

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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

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What did Mark do when he missed Bus number 6?
He took Bus number 3 twice!!!

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I feel like I'm in a rut. Every time I go to bed at night, I find myself just getting up again in the morning.

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“Why did you refuse to marry Bob, Lisa?”
“Cause he said he’d die if I didn’t and I’m just curious…..”

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In my previous job I used to take a lot of notes. I got fired after they started checking the cash register.

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Every New Yorker makes the same mistake: we take a 10-day vacation. It's the worst thing we could ever do. You take a four-day vacation. If you get 10, take six in New York and four on the road because New Yorkers can't last outside New York for more than four days.

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Once upon a time way back in the early days of education when the educators still taught young children proper bathroom hygiene, there was a nun and a young boy. The nun was to teach the boy how to properly рее. She layed out seven steps for making sure that you properly urinated. The steps where as such:
1.) Undo you pant's zipper.
2,) Pull out your dingely-ding-dоng.
3.) Pull back your fоrеsкin.
4.) Urinate.
5.) Put your fоrеsкin back forward.
6.) Put away your willy.
7.) Zip up and leave.
The nun made sure he did it right the first couple of times and let him alone.
One day later on she heard a noise come from out of the bathroom and went to investigate. As she got closer, she figured put it was someone saying something. And when she got in front of an occupied stall, she heard clearly what was being said, and who was saying it. It was the little boy. And what was he chanting so vigorously you ask? We the answer is this.
"Three-five, three-five, three-five, three-five."

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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing wееd and not a valuable plant is to pull on it...
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant!

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An Antartian was running back and forth from his computer and his mailbox. Then the mailman came up to him and asked him what he was doing. He replied, "My dumb computer keeps saying 'you've got mail'."

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I asked a number of people in my audience, “What is the ideal weight for a stand-up comedian?? …
….
Three and a half pounds, including the urn, seemed to be the consensus answer.

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Brushing your teeth is the only time you get to clean your skeleton.

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A mushroom walks into a bar; the bartender says to him, "sorry, we don’t serve your kind here!" The mushroom replies,
"WHY? I'm a fun-gi" (fun-guy)

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What if spider you just killed had spent entire life thinking u were his roommate? Ever think about that? No... You only think about yourself.

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My resolution this year was to learn Spanish.
That only lasted about dos weekos.

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Four activists wearing leather jackets got out of their Hummer and threw eggs at us. I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but I think they're with PETA.

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