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Space Shuttles, they leave the earth white and they return white... What I'm trying to say is, it's time NASA went public with their sunscreen!

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Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, is he?

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Why is the letter W called double-u and not double-V?

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How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

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Definition of Clothes Dryer: An appliance designed to eat socks.

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I was walking past an ATM, and I saw and old lady. She said "Kind sir may you please help me check my balance". I said sure, so I pushed here over. Her balance was terrible.

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Got a free tattoo on my arm yesterday. All I had to do was accidentally pour boiling water on myself.

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Q. Where did the Egyptian Mummy go to get her back fixed?
A. The Cairo.. Practor!

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Did you hear about the teacher with the two lazy eyes? Apparently he can’t control his pupils.

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I came out of a human because somebody came in a human.

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Strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go “aaaaagghhhh” and everyone just stares at you in disgust.
But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.

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Why are girls and calculus similar?
We both don't understand them!!

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Electile Dysfunction - the inability to become aroused over any of the choices for President, put forth by either party in the 2016 election year.

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When, and if, Мiск Jagger retires, he has expressed interest in building structures assembled with concrete and mortar...
That would make him a Rolling Stonemason.

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I find boiling water very relaxing. It's a good way of letting off some steam.

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Why did Mickey divorce Minnie? Because she was f*cking Goofy.

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NBC TV is planning a new series, “Airline Tragedies”
They are putting together the pilot right now.

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Calvin sees Elmer and asks, "What’s up?"
Elmer says,
"First I got tonsillitis, followed by appendicitis and pneumonia. After that I got erysipelas with hemachromatosis. Following that I got poliomyelitis and finally ended up with neuritis. Then they gave me hypodermics and inoculations."
"Boy, you had quite a time."
"I’ll say! I thought I’d never pull through that spelling test."

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