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Old people at weddings aways poke me and say "your next." So, I started doing the same at funerals
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Q. What's a Tennis Player's Favourite Card?
A. Ace
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What has a hundred legs and lives on yogurt?
An aerobics class.
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Just got sacked from my job at the daycare center. Apparently ‘Schindler’s List’ is an inappropriate film for a 5 year old’s birthday party.
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Oh no! Playstation and Xbox online services are down!
Someone call an ambulance! Wii U Wii U Wii U.
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Ollie asks, “Ven is yur birt’day, Sven?” …
…
Sven replies:
“March 21st.” …
…
Ollie:
“Vaht year?” …
…
Sven:
“Every year.”
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Fun fact: The person who wrote the "Let it Go" song for the movie Frozen was constipated when he wrote it.
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"January 1, 2000, is a Saturday. So if the world comes to an end for a couple of days, it'll be OK. We've all had weekends like that." -- Reed Hundt, former Chairman of the FCC
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When you look in the mirror, it reflects...
Don't you ever wonder when it 'flected' the first time?
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Went on a flight with BA last night which was a total nightmare, he really hates flying.
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If Tetris has taught me anything, it’s that mistakes build up and successes fade away
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I wear a stethoscope, so that in a medical emergency , I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
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A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?"
She says,
"Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He goes, "Geez... Oooh.... I..."
She says,
"Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
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“I’d like some really tight jeans.”
“Certainly, sir. Will you walk this way?”
“If they’re as tight as yours I’ll probably have to.”
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How do you know when to beat up a мidgет?
When he says your girlfriend's hair smells good.
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Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming...
I finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.
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“First,” said the рlаyвоy, “I’m going to buy you a few drinks to loosen you up.”
“Oh no you’re not,” said the girl.
“Then I’ll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’ll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“Then I’m going to make violent, passionate love to you.”
“Oh no you’re not.”
“And I’m not going to wear a соndом either!” said the guy.
“Oh yes you are!” said the girl.
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How hot is it?
The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.
You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a. M.
Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
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