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Film Producer: I am going to make a movie. Can you suggest a 'heart-touching' title?
Scriptwriter: I got it... Stethoscope!

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Did you hear that they discovered a dope ring at the Antartian factory?
It was 5 Antarians trying to read a blueprint

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Q. What do you do when your nose goes on strike?
A. You picket!

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The conductor of the Detroit Symphony Orchestra was having an issue with the percussion section. During rehearsals, it seems they were having a major problem keeping the proper beat, and the conductor was getting madder by the moment.
"Uh oh," one of the drummers remarked. "I think he's ready to вlоw."
"You're right," said the cymbal player. "It looks like we're in for a real tempo tantrum!"

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If a lереr gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

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Winter is natures way of telling you to polish.

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Why was the tomato so slow? Because it couldn't ketchup.

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A magician was facing an unruly crowd as his tricks failed to impress them. To cheer them up, the magician said:
'could any one please give me an egg. For I shall show you a marvelous trick'
One at the last row shouted:
'If we had an egg with us, it would have reached you long before'

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If anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

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A guy was on this website. He clicked a kickass on the joke, and clicked kickass again. It said,
"You already voted bro." He thought to himself, "What if girls are on here?"

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I have determined that there are two important lessons in life...
I can't remember the first, BUT THE SECOND is to write everything down!

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Kickass if you like воовs and рussy!!

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There are only a few impossible tasks for a human.
For example:
1. You can’t count all the hairs on your own head;
2. You can’t wash your eyes with soap;
3. You can’t breathe with your tongue fully extended;
4. You should put your tongue back in, you dаfт тwат.

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On the outside flap of the sign, it reads: The kitchen is close today on account of illness.
Inside flap: I'm sick of cooking!

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“Excuse me waiter. There’re two ears in my soup.”
“Eh.. Whats that you said?”

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A new sandwich bar claims that it can make any type of sandwich immediately and are so confident that they promise to pay a thousand dollars to anyone who can think of a sandwich which they don't have. So the first customer walks up and asks for apple flavoured noodles in a sandwich, 30 seconds later the sandwich is served to him just like he asked. The second customer walks up and asks for a potato and seaweed sandwich. Again the sandwich bar owner comes straight back out from the kitchen with a smug look on his face and a potato and seaweed sandwich in his hands. Finally a very cocky looking customer walks up and asks for an elephant реnis and camel hoof sandwich,topped with panda sреrм and the shavings of an albatrosses claws,the owner is in the kitchen for a long time before he walks back out with no sandwich but just a thousand dollars in his hand. The customer starts celebrating and says he knew they wouldn't have them ingredients to which the owner replies "oh we have the реnis the hoof the panda sреrм and the claws,we just have no bread."

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What's the good thing about having Altzeimer's?
You get to meet new people every day!

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I think I'm going to officially change my name to "Next"...
That way, I flash my ID, shout 'Excuse me, I'm Next' and I'll be able to go right to the front of the line.

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