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If Gillette continue to increase the amount of blades on their razors, then we’re going to end up shaving with cheese graters.

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If every day is a gift then in 2016 I’ve mostly been getting socks.

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The driving instructor was giving lessons to an extremely nervous student who panicked whenever another car approached on a particular two-lane road. One day, however, they got to the same stretch of road; and the student remained completely calm.
“This time you’re doing fine!” exclaimed the instructor. “Yes,” the novice driver agreed.
“Now when I see another car coming, I shut my eyes.”

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You go to L. A., people complain about road rage -- that's nothing. In New York City, we have sidewalk rage. You can't walk slower than 25 miles per hour in New York City. Go to Times Square during rush hour -- I dare you to stop and look at a cloud. There's a five-person pile-up behind you. It's like, 'Hey! C'mon. What's going on? C'mon, I gotta get to the curb. Let's go! Someone better be dead when I get up there, that's all I'm saying.'

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Why do shoemakers go to heaven?
Because they have good soles.
Why do bikes have kick-stands?
Because they're two-tired.

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I checked out a book from the library called "How to Have a Perfect Memory." Now if I just could remember where I put it.

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“I used to be in show business. I had a very spectacular act.”
“What did you do?”
“I used to dive into a wet sponge from a height of fifty feet.
But then I broke my neck.”
“Did you miss the sponge?”
“No. Some idiот squeezed it dry”

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I was just sitting around, doing nothing, when I was arrested for impersonating the President of the United States.

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What kind of house weighs the least?
A lighthouse.

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This year I made my New Years Resolution to finish everything I sta...

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Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.

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What’s the smallest unit of time in the known universe?
The interval between the traffic light changing to green and the taxi driver behind you honking his horn.

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Can’t believe how much of a sarcasm expert I’ve become recently. People are actually starting to think I’m really polite.

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Groom: People ask me why I left a bachelor to be with this girl. Well, look at her. She's wealthy and dying

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A large book fell on my head today.
I’ve only got mySHELF to blame

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An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later. “How is it?” he asked entering the house. “Not so bad,” replied the home owner. “While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught my wife how to swim.”

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People can climb mountains,
People can scuba dive,
But they can't move their thumb to text me back!

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I just got my boyfriend a 'get better soon' card.
He isn't sick, I just think he can get better.

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