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“That is him.” I said to my wife in the shopping centre. “That’s Kenny Baker, the actor who played R2D2 in Star Wars.”
“Are you sure?” she asked. “It doesn’t look like him, go on over and ask.”
A couple of minutes later I walked back over to her. “Well, what did he say?”
“Nothing.” I said. “It’s a ruввish bin.”

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My three hundred plus pound of a grandfather loves to do karaoke. One night he was really into some heavy metal rock and roll song, even doing an air guitar routine.
Well, after he was done a young fellow came up to him and said,
"You are a hip old dude!"
My grandfather snapped back, "Who you callin' a hippo - dude?!?!"

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I phoned Pizza Hut tonight. I said Do you do takeaway.
Yes we do, came the reply. Brilliant, I said Whats 12 takeaway 5.
Bastards put the phone down.

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While at the casino, I remembered the sign that said:
"If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER."
I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said,
"I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?"

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Have you ever dated one of those really hot chicks who fulfil your every desire in the bedroom, never winge at anything you do and are happy for you to hand pick her mates to join in once in a while while she gets u a вееr? No nore me!

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Teacher: What do you wanna be when you grow up?
Little Girl: A unicorn
Teacher: Why is that?
Little Girl: So I can stab people with my head

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The drinker announced to the bartender, “It seems I’ve been informally named advisor on ‘Sеxuаl Matters’ at my company.”
“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?”
“I’m not sure yet,” he answered.
“During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fuскing advice, they’d let me know.”

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Have you heard about this new thing you can have that transfers the thoughts and memories of one person to another person. It’s called a CONVERSATION.

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Why can't the 2013 Bronco's eat cereal?
They choke when they get to the bowl.

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An insurance salesman was trying to persuade a housewife to take out a life insurance policy. “Now supposing your husband were to die,” he said, “what would you get?
“Oh, a Bulldog, I think,” replied the housewife. “They are always good company!”

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I was at the Swimming Baths today and decided to have a sneaky рiss in the deep end. The lifeguard must of noticed. The fuскеr blew his whistle so fuскing loud,I nearly fell in.

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What’s green, red, purple and orange? Colours.

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What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.
The reply from the railroad engineer.
"How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?"

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The only thing more important than your happiness is mine so get on it.

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How to make the best salad ever in 3 steps.
1. Get a bowl.
2. Put a tiny amount of lettuce at the bottom.
3. Fill the rest of the bowl with pizza.

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Dear Winter,
I'm breaking up with you. I think it is time I start seeing other seasons.
Besides, Summer is much HOTTER than you!

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Martin asked David, "In which state does the Ohio River run?"
David answered with cool, "In the liquid state."

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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

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