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Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months.

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When you're walking into the bathroom you're American.
When you're walking out of the bathroom you're American.
What are you when you're inside the bathroom?
European.

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Did you hear about the theme park ride made entirely out of Iron? It was a ferrous wheel.

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It's been 2 days since I've had McDonald's, I'm getting the shakes... and the fries.

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My Mum use to hit me with a belt
But then she realized it was a waist of time

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I knew she was the one for me when we went walking through the evergreen trees.
It was love at firs site.

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Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth, then it just becomes a soap opera.

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There was a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center that said 'Keep off the Grass'.

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A guy just threw milk at me... How dairy?!

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Guy: your cloths look gay
Me: they came out of the closet this morning

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I was going to tell you a роор joke, but it didn't come out right!

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Just been threatened by my housemate for stealing his clothes. I nearly sh*t his pants.

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[The next day, again] Buddha walks up to a hot dog vendor and says,
"Make me one with everything."
The vendor then hands him the hot dog and Buddha pays him with a ten.
The vendor puts it in his till and moves on to the next customer.
Buddha says,
"What about my change?"
The vendor replies,
"Change comes from within".

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I organized a тhrееsоме for (NAME)'s last night of freedom. There were a couple of no-shows, but he still had fun.

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I got a rental car, and they gave me a Daewoo. Daewoo: that's Korean for 'Just walk.'

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Why would they not let the Pirate into the theater?
Because it was rated rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

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My wife says she is divorcing me because of my obsession with television dramas.
But will she really leave me…
…Find out next week!

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I was always told to reach high in life. This why I keep the сосаinе on the top shelf...

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