Life Jokes

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I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

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Everything becomes 100 times louder when you're trying not to wake someone up.

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I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying

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If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

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Man's appearance is not the most important thing. There are worse flows.

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If at first you don't succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling.

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Everything happens for a reason; unfortunately, sometimes the reason is you.

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There is a new trend in our office; everyone is putting names on their food. I saw it today, while I was eating a sandwich named Kevin.

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Measure twice, cut five times, curse profusely, punch a wall, give up, call a professional.

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Being a hypochondriac is going to save my life one of these days

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If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.

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We All KEA! My first day on the job at an IKEA store, I was told by my boss that employees needed to go to the meeting room before every shift. I asked why. He said,
"Assembly required."

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Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

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My husband is on the roof - only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

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Life isn't about winning and losing. It's about wishing you would have won and wondering why you lost.

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How are tornadoes and marriage alike? They both begin with a lot of suскing and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

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The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

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Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to have a job. I just wish it wasn't THIS job.

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