Life Jokes

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My wife made me into millionaire. I was a multi-millionaire before we met.

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How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

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Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

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I've been running as fast as I can, but I still can't catch my breath.

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There are all types of love in this world but never the same love twice.

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I'm selling a parachute - just as new, used only one time, didn't open once.

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I have one of those unlimited cell phone plans. There's no limit to how much they can charge me.

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People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

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When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?

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I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

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When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

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Maybe you need a ladder to climb out of my business?

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Woke up on the ground last night, must have fell asleep.

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Winter's coming so I'm knitting you a muffler. What size is your mouth?

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Why do bachelors like smart women? Because they're so rare.

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It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.

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It's bad luck to be superstitious.

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If I've learned anything in life, it's that not enough people are at a loss for words.

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