Life Jokes

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All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society's way of preparing you for your driver's license photo.

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Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

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Multitasking: sсrеwing up several things at once.

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Adult: Someone who has stopped growing at both ends and now grows in the middle.

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Here's to alcohol, the cause of - and solution to - all life's problems.

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Useless trying to undo a mistake. Focus your efforts on new ones.

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People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.

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Сriме doesn't pay... does that mean that my job is a сriме?

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According to the principle of the sandwich, if you put butter on both sides the sandwich will hang in the air.

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What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.

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After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WТF!

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However lonely you feel, you're never alone. There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house. Goodnight.

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A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

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My calling in life went straight to voicemail.

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Anger; the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.

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There is no point of running away form a sniреr. You will die from exhaustion.

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Old Chinese proverb: Rаре impossible! Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!

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By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.

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