Life Jokes

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You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

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A wife is like a boomerang - the harder you throw the faster she comes back.

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There are no winners in life ... Only survivors.

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Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

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When my friends are sad, i send them a long аss paragraph, but when I'm sad, they only say "Oh sorry" or "Well that suскs".

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It takes two to lie... One to lie and one to listen...

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Why are Scientology and Proctology alike? It's all a load of shiт.

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To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.

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We have all heard that a million monkeys ваnging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

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I wasn't lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth.

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The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

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True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

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Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

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For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.

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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

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You need to carry women in your arms; they will climb on your back by themselves.

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For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

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When you try to prove to someone that something doesn't work, it will.

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