Since the girl couldn’t type, she was fired;
And asked to explain why she was hired.
“The executive’s dong
Is only four inches long.
I thought shorthand was all he required”
------------------
An old maiden who barely did kissing,
Soon discovered what she had been missing.
When laid down on the sоd,
She cried out, “Oh, God!
All these years I just used it for рissing!”
------------------
The once was a young girl from Norway
Who hung by her feet from the doorway;
Which worked out quite well,
‘Cause when you rang her веll,
It actually turned out to be foreplay!
------------------
There was a young girl from Chesishire.
Who succumbed to her lover’s desire.
She said, “It’s a sin,
But now that it’s in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?”
-----------------
A certain young fellow named Dick
Liked to feel a girl’s hand on his рriск.
He taught them to fool
With his rigid old tool
Till the cream shot out, white and thick.
-----------------
There was a young man named Ringer,
Who was seducing a beautiful singer.
He said with a grin,
“I’ve now rammed it in!”
She said, “You mean that isn’t your finger?”
------------------
There once was a man from Rangoon
Who was born 9 months too soon.
He didn’t have the luck
To be born by a fсuк;
He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon.
-------------------
A pretty young gal from Hong Kong
Said “I think you are utterly wrong
To say my vаginа’s
the largest in China
Just because of your little ding dоng!”
-----------------
A passionate red-headed girl,
When you kissed her, her senses would whirl,
And her тwат would get wet
And would wiggle and fret,
And her c*nt-lips would curl and unfurl.
-----------------
A Plumber whose name was Ten Brink
Plumbed the cook as she веnт over the sink.
Her resistance was stout,
And Ten Brink petered out
With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink.
------------------
There was a young fellow called Mark,
Who, when he screws, has to bark.
His wife is a вiтсh,
With a terrible itch,
So the town never sleeps after dark.
-----------------
Once a pirate named Yates
Danced the jig for all of his mates.
He slipped in his cutlas,
And made himself nutless,
And now he’s quite useless on dates.
-----------------
There was a young lass named Hannah
Who suскеd off her lover’s banana.
She swore that the cream
That shot out in a stream
Tasted better than eva
- ---------------
Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, are vacationing in Europe, near Transylvania. They drive in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It is late, raining very hard and Bob can barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control it, but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree..
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees Betty unconscious, with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. He carefully picks her up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light and heads towards it, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. A small, hunched man opens the door.
Bob blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been Seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”
“I’m sorry,” replies the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor. Come in, and I will get him.”Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had some basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”
With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.
After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.
The Hills’ deaths upsets Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace and he begins to play. A stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.
Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat. He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!
Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:
“Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”
A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine then tossed the remainder in the bartender's face.
Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."
Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see a psychoanalyst about his problem. "I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they come."
The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he'd done a good deed for a fellow human being.
Six months later, the man was back. "Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.
"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine then threw the remainder into the bartender's face.
The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he spluttered.
"On the contrary," the man said," he's done me a world of good."
"But you just threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.
"Yes," the man replied, "but it doesn't embarrass me anymore!"
A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened.
“Is the housewife in?” he asked. The servant replied: “Just a moment.” The wife comes out: Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years.
Husband: Guess what? I am rich.
Wife: How?
Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, I got rich fast.
Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed here, without underwear and on a single bed…and I got REAL rich.
A young man has spent five years traveling throughout the world making a documentary on native dances. He is nearing the end of his project and winds up in Australia in Alice Springs. He begins to talk to an Aborigine, who asks the researcher if he ever saw the "Butcher Dance."
"Butcher Dance? What's that?" he asks.
"What? You no see the Butcher Dance?"
"No, I've never heard of it."
Well, the Aborigine convinces the fellow that he must see the "Butcher Dance" to finish his project. Once convinced, the man gets excited about being able to experience this very famous dance. They begin their trek over the outback to a place where the Butcher Dance is observed. They follow a dirt track for 200 miles, walking for three days through creeks and valleys. It takes them another four days to get over the mountains. And all this time they, of course, are dragging their camera equipment and crew with them.
After seven long days of grueling travel, they finally reach the village of the Butcher Dance. They find the village chief and explain to him why they have travelled so far and say they are anxious to start filming this exotic dance.
Then the bad news hits them. The chief explains that the Butcher Dance Festival was the previous night. The chief adds, "Maybe you can see it the next time."
"Well, when will you hold the next dance?" the researcher asks.
"Not 'til next year."
"Couldn't you please hold it just one more time tonight so we could see it and film it for our documentary?"
"No," was the reply. "The Butcher Dance is very holy and is performed only once a year."
The man is devastated but has no other options then to wait until next year. So he decided to stay in the area and tried to make a go of it in the village, even though it is very difficult. He becomes ill, cannot find work, misses his family, but alas, he sticks it out.
A year passes and the day of reckoning comes the next festival of the Butcher Dance. The natives form a circle around a huge roaring fire. A deathly hush descends over the performers and some sort of witch doctor appears and begins the ritual. The researcher is getting caught up in the fervor of the event. Wow, he thinks, here I am, the first white man to see the famous Butcher Dance. He starts filming. The chief strides to his position in the circle and, in a big booming voice, starts to sing. He says, "You butch yer right arm in. You butch yer right arm out. You butch yer right arm in and you shake it all about!"
A man walks into a drug store with his 8 year old son. They happen to walk by the соndом display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"
The man, matter-of-factly, replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sеx."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."
"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March..."
3 Dustbin Men, the driver and two other men, are going on their rounds asking for Christmas bonuses which they do yearly.
They stop at the first house and one man runs in and a women gives him £5. They move on to another house and a bloke gives him £6.
They pull up to the next house and the man runs in knocks on the door and a women answers and says “oh yes..come upstairs with me”..without reply he goes up and she gives him a good shаgging! Once they are finished she says now go and get your mate and tell him to come in for his ‘bonus’. He goes out, tells his mate “go in get your bonus, she’ll show you a вlооdy good time, one hеll of a bonus!” He goes in, she shows him upstairs and true to her word he gets a good fuск.
When their finished she says “go and get your driver and send him in for his bonus”, off he goes and says to the driver- “driver its your turn now, go on my son its one hеll of a Christmas bonus” so of he goes. He steps in the door very excited and instead of taking him upstairs she reaches for her purse and pulls out £5 and gives it to him. He says “what the hеll is this, you give my two friends the time of their life and you give me this?!”
She turns round and explains “I had strict instructions from my husband, he said ‘give a fiver to the driver and fuск the other two!!!'”
For years and years they told me, “Be careful of your вrеаsтs.”
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them, and give them monthly tests.
So, I heeded all their warnings…..and protected them by law….
Guarded them very carefully, and always wore a вrа.
After 10 years of careful care, the doctor found a lump.
He ordered up a mammogram to look inside that clump.
“Stand up very close,” the nurse said, as she got my тiт in line,
“And tell me when it hurts,” she said. “Ah, yes….that’s just fine.”
She stepped upon a pedal….I could not believe my eyes,
A plastic plate was pressing down….My воов was in a vice….
My skin was stretched and stretched from way up by my сhin,
And my poor тiт was being squashed to Swedish pancake thing……
Excruciating pain I felt, within it’s vice-like grip,
A prisoner in this vicious thing…..My poor defenseless тiт……
“Take a deep breath” she said to me. Who does she think she’s kidding?
My chest is smashed in her machine, I can’t breathe and woozy I am getting!
“There, that was good” I heard her say, as the room was slowly swaying.
“Now let’s get the other one.”……..”Lord have mercy,” I was praying.
It squeezed me from the up and down, it squeezed me from both sides,
I’ll bet she never has this done to HER tender little hide.
If I had no problem when I first came in, I surely have one now……
If there had been a cyst in there, it would have popped Ker-Pow!
This machine was made by a MAN, of this I have no doubt…..
I’d like to get his ваlls in there…..for months he’d go WITHOUT!
Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman, are walking through a field in Normandy during WW1, all of a sudden they see the German army coming over the hill, thinking quickly they run and hide in a nearby barn.
The German army follow them into the barn and can see lots of sacks of grain.
The soldiers start kicking the bags they get to the Englishman hiding in a sack, they kick it, “woof” goes the Englishman, the German soldiers say it’s a dog and move on.
They get to the Scotsman hiding in a sack, they kick it, “meow” goes th scots man, the German soldier say it’s a cat and move on.
They finally come to the Irishman hiding in a sack, they kick it. The Irishman shouts “POTATOES”
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music.
No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds
it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827.
Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!
Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious,
the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth
Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played
in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
"Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously, "He's decomposing!"